I've been stuck, only moving as I am tugged at by the wind. Nothing feels easy. I am failing.

Whirling, incomprehensibly, drifting, elongating into sleep.

Relief, or Something Like it

Well, I had a nice little scare. But it's done with, and now I just have to figure out why my lovely body decided to change it's mind on me. But actually, I'm going to write about something a little different this time around. You see, last night I had my first ever homo-erotic dream. Shocked? Probably not. I don't know. You probably don't care. See, I'm one of those people who while being comfortable about my sexual orientation and everyone else's around me, I was pretty sure I'd always be the straightest straight girl that ever was straight. Or whatever. I mean, it was only a dream, but the thing was, I still reacted the same way after I woke up. With pleasure. I won't reveal with whom I had this little dream about because I don't want to make anyone around me uncomfortable, but it was just a little bit of an eye-opener for me. That I really wouldn't mind, given the right person. However, I also got from the dream that I won't pursue a relationship like that outside of the beautiful committed relationship I already have. It's just as much cheating to me with a woman as it would be with another man. But yeah, there you have it.

Guitar

Damp evening air
and dogwood trees,
Turkish rhythms
and odd harmonies,
topped with a moon
the thin clouds tease.

Journey

Between large, crackling wires,
flew a Raven of noble intent,
seeking his throne on
gloriously robed trees.
Came he to rest on a red maple,
when jays came pecking at his skull.
Journeyed he onward without respite,
seeking refuge from the sprawl.
Sought the Raven some food from his subjects,
yet brought him naught but scraps,
flew he from his silver chamber,
and from the human traps,
tired was he of seeking his home,                                                                                                                    and into the sun he flapped,                                                                                                                           retired his wings suddenly,
his entire frame had gone slack.                                                                                                                  
How undignified for a Raven,                                                                                                                        
to fall at rest on his back,                                                                                                                             yet he found no home in his kingdom,                                                                                                      which was careless as he had been black.

Unspoken

To think I say I cannot express myself clearly,
for whenever I see my own writing it's as if
it was always there.

Relief(Sort of)

Well, some (sort of) good news...my uncle has no tumor. Instead, he had a stroke. Or I should say, one small stroke, and one major stroke. The good part is that he is stable, and will be able to recover at least some movement in his right side. But we won't know how much exactly for a while until he's gotten through enough physical therapy. Although, Isaac's music seems to be reflecting my mood about this whole thing, incidentally. I'm listening to his composition recital from home. In other news, I did horribly on my test in piano today, which I sort of knew was going to happen(even though I practiced much more on that piece than I normally would), and I just had a dream this afternoon that a juvenile delinquent was murdering my entire family. Not fun. I'm either under some sort of weird high level of stress, or I should stop taking naps after big meals. 

Tumor

I don't know how I'm so calm right now, maybe it's just my response to an emergency situation. I just feel like I shouldn't be since my uncle is dying. I'd like to be more optimistic, but the fact is that brain tumors are deadly. I wish they had suggested running some tests the first time he came in to the doctors with severe dizziness even though his vitals were fine, instead of sending him home with crappy vertigo medication. I'm watching the kids and the apartment while everyone sleeps since I'm young and the only night owl. I'm fine with this. I just hope that my uncle can get the help he needs, whether it be from the surgeons at hand, or somethig more supernatural. Though I will say my family will likely be calling on more spirits to help than usual. I plead, for Odin, Thor, Hecate, Isis, Cernunnos, and my dad if he's not busy, to look after my uncle. He's too young to go, and has a family that can't be left behind.

Disgusting

I feel positively shitty, as if my body woke up today, only to say "I give up on today". Pretty disappointing. And I have a headache, AGAIN. Man, am I always this bitchy? I bet Sam gets sick of me complaining. I think I just need a nap, I've been getting shitty sleep the last few days. You know, whe you lay there, and you sort of rest, but you really toss and turn all night and don't remember actually sleeping. Bleh. On a more positive note, I did get to see two dear friends last night whom I haven't seen in several months, so there's that. :3 I hope they fiind their place in Sacramento, even if only for a while.

Vanity

At times I catch a poignant moment,
When your breath touches me
with tragic tenderness.
I fear my eventual loss.
Sometimes I am a hummingbird
pecking in vain at a giant sequoia,
knowing I can never really enter.
How I wish to be part of you!
Sometimes I feel shame,
knowing you would see me
at my grossest, my dumbest,
my numbest, and my most peculiar.
But love is never as aesthetic or as sterile
as we desire.
The grime and the torture are where love lies.
Lasting love belongs to only
the strong of will, those who lack fear
of the lonely nights in which we
must face our dark reflections.

Resolve

Sometimes I'm not sure of the earth beneath me. Usually I like this trait about myself, but lately it is hard to be at ease. I find myself thinking of my own, and my loved one's mortality. I'm dreadfully curious about the possibilities of a "next life" or "after life", but I'm also horribly scared of the death that comes along with it. Most are. Even if I had a near death experience, science has been learning that the brain simulates these sorts of images/sensations of heavenly environment while going through the process of shutting down, so even then I couldn't be sure. And I've been contemplating about the "spirits" as well. There have been a crap ton of experiments done trying to conclude whether spirits exists, or if we are just experiencing some natural phenomena. Personally, I think spirits are simply natural phenomena. Are "orbs" spirits, or electro-magnetic light reactions? Are EVPs the voices of the dead, or low frequencies that create hallucinatory sounds. Although, I do have to contest the second one. If it is a sound that has been recorded from a frequency lower than our accessible hearing, is it still a hallucination if it is recordable and audible as a humanoid voice saying something very specific?

Perspective

I'm trying to keep my plans this week in perspective. To be honest, I was going to try and enter the Dinsmore Aria Competition, but I'm just not ready. It requires two arias, and I only have one acceptable one; I'm not going to attempt to use a Mozart aria as my second one though. I just don't find it acceptable, not unless I was really, really well developed. I am going to see if there is any room left on the schedule for the David Smalls master class though. Probably not, honestly, but I'll ask Robin anyway. I am for a fact going to the Townsend opera competition though. And the NATS competition. I'm going to find a way to be busy, and perhaps win some money in the process.

I did get to go see a show this weekend. Friday night was my chance to see Symphony X and Iced Earth. I was hoping to see a friend there, but it turned out he couldn't, which is fine, I just feel bad he didn't get to go at all. It was more impressive than I was betting on, but as always I hated the shit out of the mosh pits that kept starting up. That's just me though, which is okay, because I have wonderful friends who don't bat an eye at shoving people the fuck out of the way so I can stay in front. :3 Anyway, it was a great way to relieve some stress. I got out of town, it wasn't just for family commitments, and I got to hear music I like that I can appreciate both for artistic value and headbanging value. My neck is still a little bit sore. :P I feel rejuvenated for this week, which I think mentally is going to be hectic.

I keep thinking about things that I want/should/need to do, and where I can fit them in my schedule. I think the problem is prioritizing and remembering when to do things. I could make a calendar, but that would take me a long time, not to mention the problem of sticking to it. At least I did a better job this weekend than most of sticking to tasks.

After all this word-vomit, I should probably get to bed. It's rather late already.

I'mma eatem all. :P

You know, as helpful as my subconscious brain tries to be, I wish I had a better way to remember to keep in touch with family besides threatening me with dreams of them dying, and me feeling guilty for not being there. On another note, I don't think I've ever been so happy to have my period. Yes you can be grossed out and leave my page now if you want(if you were ever here at all and not some delusion of mine). But let's face it, anytime I'm not pregnant is a good day to me. Although I do wonder if my cycle isn't just fluctuating. I have been careful folks, but you just never really know.

Another fun thing happened today. Had a few evangelical crazies of the younger variety making a scene on campus today. I didn't mind their freedom of expression; they looked like students who went here, and all the houses had their stuff out in the quad and were soliciting as well. I appreciate all forms of expression, even hatred. It's honest, anyway. Except that other students were starting to gather and shout at the crazies, who were in turn shouting about hell and judgement day, and they were blocking the entire walkway of where I was going, which is 25 feet wide and I should have had clearance somewhere to walk through to my destination. The crazies couldn't have been there very long, either. I was in the student store for maybe five minutes, and when I came back, the student group probably tripled in size and was blocking everything, so I made the decision to go through the only opening, through the middle of the group and between the arguing parties. 1. I only had 20 minutes of break, so it really was the only way, 2. Even though I didn't mind them being there, I didn't like how much ruckus the preachers were making, so what better way to make a statement than to walk through and ignore everybody? I don't give a damn, and I won't feed the fire.

Pressed

My mind is flooded with thoughts at the moment, and I feel I can't speak eloquently about them all right now, but I need to jot them down in some form. Panic is my least favorite emotion, and I feel it all too often. I wasted $45 today on a mediocre show that was filled with political bullshit, which is unfortunate knowing how much effort went into the whole thing by students, but it was cheapened to the point of burlesque, even lower, farce, so that I felt disgusted by the end and embarrassed for everyone else by the end of it. I feel strange today, like I'm on the brink of something, perhaps a xenith, that I have yet to identify. It isn't really positive or negative, just a vortex of nervous energy churning at my insides. I've had strange, vivid, panicked and highly symblic dreams lately. One where I'm living in an old house from my childhood, with myboyfriend and my little brothers, and one of them fakes losing his arm in a lawn mower, and when I find out he's faking, I start slapping the crap out of him. And another where my boyfriend and I are living in a tree house, and I'm meeting up with some old friends but decide to leave early because some old exes keep trying to come on to me. Then when I get home, I see my bf sweating in his sleep because he's nervous about said thing happening, and I relieve him by waking him and being there. The last dream had to do with looking like Silent Hill in a way, and being creeped out of my mind the entire time. I will recount the entire thing later.

Another realm

I sometimes wish I had access to the world of my dreams. I see a world inside when I sleep, though it is still rare when I come upon a dream that I wish I could return to. Instead I can only remember intrinsic details, and peer at them; as impressionist paintings. I wish I could go back to that house, with the several different rooms with the one garden-themed room that I can never find, and the caves, and that beach house, among others. I haven't remembered many of my dreams lately, and I definitely haven't been writing them down. And I don't know why my dreams have diminished in clarity so much, but I hate it.

Memories are a problem too. I often encounter sights, smells, or just auras of suggestion that bring me feelings of melancholy, of desire, or desperation, like they should trigger some related memory, but they don't, or at least, not ones that I remember. And then there are the pictures in my mind, those of which I will never be sure are really memories or dreams. A couple of them seem too bizarre to be real, but too clear to be a dream, but really I was too young to remember clearly anyway.

A Gossamer Heart

This world has been shifted
to include yet another,
This one introduced
makes yet one more tether.

one lone observer
who seeks to develop
finds a gossamer heart
they desire to envelop.

Both hearts a-clamor
create their own world
where each gossamer heart
may freely unfurl.

Affected

Even if we were to be separated today,
I could not say that my life would not be
affected by your presence.

I could no longer think of winter and the sea,
or of music in its entirety
without connecting you to it.

I would still remember
how your presence calmed my senses
and made bad moments tolerable.

I would remember
not saying your name most of the time
because I felt I knew you
without having to re-identify you.

I will always remember
how you loved me in my body
always with affection
and without constant grading of performance.

And of course,
I will remember
how I felt writing about
what I remember,
and wondering about
what you'll remember.

Alteration

I like this part of it: 

I had always dreamed of someone like you in my world
yet never had I thought you would wake up in it
nor I next to you, immersed in yours.

But now I'm not sure if I should try to rewrite the rest of it, or perhaps separate it from the rest? I like the rest of it; it's just that they don't all jive together. But the first stanza I think is the best by itself. Perhaps I should make a little booklet of poetry. Which leads me to another question: should I include some old poetry? He's seen some of it, but it doesn't have to be from the things he's seen. I'll attempt another something now:

writing thinking coming alive

How odd it is
of all my poetry
that has existed
you had somehow
never appeared within.
Thinking back,
you should have been
most inspiring of all.
And yet,
I never once had thought to.
Was I only compelled
by negativity
to write as I did,
somehow not concerning you?
Or was it fear,
you being near
to my heart,
of judgement to my art?
No matter.
Or perhaps,
it is the fact
I had not felt the need to seek you
in writing,
you are there,
a hopeful constant,
in my ever-morphing life.
That I had no need to wonder,but I do.
And so,
for you,
is my pondering
over you.


Another one:

What silly sounds of affections we make,
whether miao, mew, or meer.
Why are we sometimes caught up in these sounds,
 present to each others ears?

A Valenti-No, an "I Love You" Poem. Screw Valentine's.

This is a first attempt at writing some truthful poetry to my love, which while not being mushy, will still somehow make a pillow out of his heart. :P This may or may not change between this page and the final draft, but you may not see the final draft anyway.

starchildren universe science mind truth perspective world

I had always dreamed of someone like you in my world
yet never had I thought you would wake up in it
nor I next to you, immersed in yours.

We humans tend to
cannibalize sensation,
my hands to feel as yours,
to live vicariously through vibrations,
or pulsations,
or whichever manner through which we connect
with our star-stuff.

Extractions of extractions,
cosmos, gaia, anthropos, anima, eros?
The extent, the order,
of which I may never know.

Yet, anxious I am not.

For what the universe
knows to be uncertain,
This one knows
she holds an interesting person.

I'll save this for now.

Moon

I saw the moon tonight, while driving back from picking up some dinner. I knew it was supposed to rise at about 6 tonight, but when I came over the hill to come face to face with her, I practically cried at her brushed golden radiance. Even now I see her as she watches me write; she creeps through a thin gauze of clouds, spreading her refections into spectacular displays deep azure and golden metals, a blue tiger's eye. I never know what to make of these moments emotionally. It always seems surreal, and I'm never sure if something is trying to reach me, or if I am reaching for it. Happy moongazing.