As you can see, I had a little dilemma. No longer. :)

So, I got impatient and wrote four journal entries on paper.  Trying to decide whether to retype them or not....

Happy for no Reason

Well, goodness me! I sincerely thought no one ever even came across this page as it sat in it's own dark little corner of the internet, but for the first time ever I viewed the statistics on this page and was sort of, well, stunned. I mean, its still nothing to write home about, but I guess I am interesting enough to have been peeked at. Not commented on, though, but that's fine. It is a public page on the internet though, so I should have known that sooner or later someone would see it on passing and not hate it. Ciao!

Crafty

I feel genuinely excited this summer, and not for reasons you would expect. I joined the gym, and am trying desperately to keep the promise to myself to get into better shape so I can feel healthier. I'm also going to stay well-connected to my family and a few friends, and have a few little adventures out of town. I'm going to spend some quality time with Sam, and remind him how important he is to my life.I'm even going to have lots of time to practice piano skills and my junior recital pieces. But most importantly, I'm going to start crafting again. I know, it sounds like the least important thing, but honestly, I am a lost person when I don't have enough outlets. I forget my skills. I forget to be creative. Worst of all, I lose confidence over time in my ability to take charge of anything. The blog helps, certainly. Even if I don't get it out immediately, I always feel like I can get out all the word vomit I need without using up whole sheafs of paper. Gardening and cooking help, too. But I miss my visual art pursuits. My drawings and paintings. None of them are spectacular, especially by my standards, but I still enjoy most of them and can proudly say that they are creations of my own styling entirely. My "poetry" too. I don't do it to become great at it, though I have improved a bit over time, nor do I expect to make money off of it. But I feel that I truly benefit, even if it is in a more intrinsic, stress-relieving sort of way. I will print off a copy of all my poetry onhe day though, for myself and whoever might want it. I also gathered all of the scrap cloth my Grammy gave me, and I'm pretty sure the purses and bags I make with them will be adorable. :3

I heard this quote from a witch character in the musical Into the Woods. I'm not sure why, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
"I'm not good, I'm not nice, I'm just right."

Why is it that I'm failing MIDI, yet the only thing I can think about is how best to sneakily send the teacher horrible porn.

Was walking to the music hall today and saw a lady watching the squirrels hump on the lawn. She had a leery smile.

I've been stuck, only moving as I am tugged at by the wind. Nothing feels easy. I am failing.

Whirling, incomprehensibly, drifting, elongating into sleep.

Relief, or Something Like it

Well, I had a nice little scare. But it's done with, and now I just have to figure out why my lovely body decided to change it's mind on me. But actually, I'm going to write about something a little different this time around. You see, last night I had my first ever homo-erotic dream. Shocked? Probably not. I don't know. You probably don't care. See, I'm one of those people who while being comfortable about my sexual orientation and everyone else's around me, I was pretty sure I'd always be the straightest straight girl that ever was straight. Or whatever. I mean, it was only a dream, but the thing was, I still reacted the same way after I woke up. With pleasure. I won't reveal with whom I had this little dream about because I don't want to make anyone around me uncomfortable, but it was just a little bit of an eye-opener for me. That I really wouldn't mind, given the right person. However, I also got from the dream that I won't pursue a relationship like that outside of the beautiful committed relationship I already have. It's just as much cheating to me with a woman as it would be with another man. But yeah, there you have it.

Guitar

Damp evening air
and dogwood trees,
Turkish rhythms
and odd harmonies,
topped with a moon
the thin clouds tease.

Journey

Between large, crackling wires,
flew a Raven of noble intent,
seeking his throne on
gloriously robed trees.
Came he to rest on a red maple,
when jays came pecking at his skull.
Journeyed he onward without respite,
seeking refuge from the sprawl.
Sought the Raven some food from his subjects,
yet brought him naught but scraps,
flew he from his silver chamber,
and from the human traps,
tired was he of seeking his home,                                                                                                                    and into the sun he flapped,                                                                                                                           retired his wings suddenly,
his entire frame had gone slack.                                                                                                                  
How undignified for a Raven,                                                                                                                        
to fall at rest on his back,                                                                                                                             yet he found no home in his kingdom,                                                                                                      which was careless as he had been black.

Unspoken

To think I say I cannot express myself clearly,
for whenever I see my own writing it's as if
it was always there.

Relief(Sort of)

Well, some (sort of) good news...my uncle has no tumor. Instead, he had a stroke. Or I should say, one small stroke, and one major stroke. The good part is that he is stable, and will be able to recover at least some movement in his right side. But we won't know how much exactly for a while until he's gotten through enough physical therapy. Although, Isaac's music seems to be reflecting my mood about this whole thing, incidentally. I'm listening to his composition recital from home. In other news, I did horribly on my test in piano today, which I sort of knew was going to happen(even though I practiced much more on that piece than I normally would), and I just had a dream this afternoon that a juvenile delinquent was murdering my entire family. Not fun. I'm either under some sort of weird high level of stress, or I should stop taking naps after big meals. 

Tumor

I don't know how I'm so calm right now, maybe it's just my response to an emergency situation. I just feel like I shouldn't be since my uncle is dying. I'd like to be more optimistic, but the fact is that brain tumors are deadly. I wish they had suggested running some tests the first time he came in to the doctors with severe dizziness even though his vitals were fine, instead of sending him home with crappy vertigo medication. I'm watching the kids and the apartment while everyone sleeps since I'm young and the only night owl. I'm fine with this. I just hope that my uncle can get the help he needs, whether it be from the surgeons at hand, or somethig more supernatural. Though I will say my family will likely be calling on more spirits to help than usual. I plead, for Odin, Thor, Hecate, Isis, Cernunnos, and my dad if he's not busy, to look after my uncle. He's too young to go, and has a family that can't be left behind.

Disgusting

I feel positively shitty, as if my body woke up today, only to say "I give up on today". Pretty disappointing. And I have a headache, AGAIN. Man, am I always this bitchy? I bet Sam gets sick of me complaining. I think I just need a nap, I've been getting shitty sleep the last few days. You know, whe you lay there, and you sort of rest, but you really toss and turn all night and don't remember actually sleeping. Bleh. On a more positive note, I did get to see two dear friends last night whom I haven't seen in several months, so there's that. :3 I hope they fiind their place in Sacramento, even if only for a while.

Vanity

At times I catch a poignant moment,
When your breath touches me
with tragic tenderness.
I fear my eventual loss.
Sometimes I am a hummingbird
pecking in vain at a giant sequoia,
knowing I can never really enter.
How I wish to be part of you!
Sometimes I feel shame,
knowing you would see me
at my grossest, my dumbest,
my numbest, and my most peculiar.
But love is never as aesthetic or as sterile
as we desire.
The grime and the torture are where love lies.
Lasting love belongs to only
the strong of will, those who lack fear
of the lonely nights in which we
must face our dark reflections.

Resolve

Sometimes I'm not sure of the earth beneath me. Usually I like this trait about myself, but lately it is hard to be at ease. I find myself thinking of my own, and my loved one's mortality. I'm dreadfully curious about the possibilities of a "next life" or "after life", but I'm also horribly scared of the death that comes along with it. Most are. Even if I had a near death experience, science has been learning that the brain simulates these sorts of images/sensations of heavenly environment while going through the process of shutting down, so even then I couldn't be sure. And I've been contemplating about the "spirits" as well. There have been a crap ton of experiments done trying to conclude whether spirits exists, or if we are just experiencing some natural phenomena. Personally, I think spirits are simply natural phenomena. Are "orbs" spirits, or electro-magnetic light reactions? Are EVPs the voices of the dead, or low frequencies that create hallucinatory sounds. Although, I do have to contest the second one. If it is a sound that has been recorded from a frequency lower than our accessible hearing, is it still a hallucination if it is recordable and audible as a humanoid voice saying something very specific?

Perspective

I'm trying to keep my plans this week in perspective. To be honest, I was going to try and enter the Dinsmore Aria Competition, but I'm just not ready. It requires two arias, and I only have one acceptable one; I'm not going to attempt to use a Mozart aria as my second one though. I just don't find it acceptable, not unless I was really, really well developed. I am going to see if there is any room left on the schedule for the David Smalls master class though. Probably not, honestly, but I'll ask Robin anyway. I am for a fact going to the Townsend opera competition though. And the NATS competition. I'm going to find a way to be busy, and perhaps win some money in the process.

I did get to go see a show this weekend. Friday night was my chance to see Symphony X and Iced Earth. I was hoping to see a friend there, but it turned out he couldn't, which is fine, I just feel bad he didn't get to go at all. It was more impressive than I was betting on, but as always I hated the shit out of the mosh pits that kept starting up. That's just me though, which is okay, because I have wonderful friends who don't bat an eye at shoving people the fuck out of the way so I can stay in front. :3 Anyway, it was a great way to relieve some stress. I got out of town, it wasn't just for family commitments, and I got to hear music I like that I can appreciate both for artistic value and headbanging value. My neck is still a little bit sore. :P I feel rejuvenated for this week, which I think mentally is going to be hectic.

I keep thinking about things that I want/should/need to do, and where I can fit them in my schedule. I think the problem is prioritizing and remembering when to do things. I could make a calendar, but that would take me a long time, not to mention the problem of sticking to it. At least I did a better job this weekend than most of sticking to tasks.

After all this word-vomit, I should probably get to bed. It's rather late already.

I'mma eatem all. :P

You know, as helpful as my subconscious brain tries to be, I wish I had a better way to remember to keep in touch with family besides threatening me with dreams of them dying, and me feeling guilty for not being there. On another note, I don't think I've ever been so happy to have my period. Yes you can be grossed out and leave my page now if you want(if you were ever here at all and not some delusion of mine). But let's face it, anytime I'm not pregnant is a good day to me. Although I do wonder if my cycle isn't just fluctuating. I have been careful folks, but you just never really know.

Another fun thing happened today. Had a few evangelical crazies of the younger variety making a scene on campus today. I didn't mind their freedom of expression; they looked like students who went here, and all the houses had their stuff out in the quad and were soliciting as well. I appreciate all forms of expression, even hatred. It's honest, anyway. Except that other students were starting to gather and shout at the crazies, who were in turn shouting about hell and judgement day, and they were blocking the entire walkway of where I was going, which is 25 feet wide and I should have had clearance somewhere to walk through to my destination. The crazies couldn't have been there very long, either. I was in the student store for maybe five minutes, and when I came back, the student group probably tripled in size and was blocking everything, so I made the decision to go through the only opening, through the middle of the group and between the arguing parties. 1. I only had 20 minutes of break, so it really was the only way, 2. Even though I didn't mind them being there, I didn't like how much ruckus the preachers were making, so what better way to make a statement than to walk through and ignore everybody? I don't give a damn, and I won't feed the fire.