Journey

To Sam,
I know you're the only one who reads this blog,  so I may as well address it directly to you. Even three years into this relationship, you continue to fascinate me both as a compassionate mate and as a brilliant mind. Yes, brilliant. When I see your work, either as a composer or as a thinker, my only desire is that you be heard. You deserve to be heard. Wherever you go in life, I want your ambitions and your skills to take you to amazing places and make an impact. You told me love is bullshit. Perhaps what some refer to as love, sacrificing for one another and trying to lead an emotional life based on "instinct". But I do care about you, ultimately, and want you to thrive. That's all I need love to be. I want to be a witness to your life for as long as I can, which is a selfish desire, and I'm allowed that. :) You're allowing me to be there. I hope I can have at least a fraction of that kind of impact on you. Otherwise it's hardly worth having me around. I love you.
-Tiffany

Kink in the Hose :P

I realized the other day, somewhat sadly, that I don't do anythig kinky anymore. I haven't  tried. But over the past year, I've been finding myself wanting it again, more and more. Why haven't I tried anything? I absolutely trust Sam. I know he likes pleasing me. But last time I remember bringing it up at all, he didn't seem terribly comfortable with it. I think we even talked about cost of "supplies" being an issue. I could try talking to him about it again though, it's been a long time already since it wass brought up. I'm just a bit afraid of him thinking I'm totally weird, or being admonished. For a while I thought it was just the sort of thing older people did to try and spice up a marriage, or to plunge into the depths of after becoming utterly desensitized. I made a few advances into that world a few years ago, but with much trepidation, and I was still trying to get over issues of sexual self-shame. But now, lately whenever I've thought about it, it's so thrilling, titillating and tantalizing. I feel like sometimes I'm only enjoying sex about half as much as I could be. In fact, things like bondage and discipline, submission, domination, and other fetishes are far more normal than I had previously thought. It's time to be less shameful, and more creative. If there comes a point where I really want something and he doesn't, then there are things I can do for myself. But it's definitely more fun with a prtner. <3 p="p">

Fun & Games

Despite the fact that this is where I usually dump my doubts and negative reflections, I do find time to talk about more frivolous things. A while ago I played an XBox arcade game called Limbo, and it was short, but enjoyable at the cost of minor frustrations. I also came across a trailer for a PC game from Steam called Dear Esther. It appealed to me in the sense that it didn't play like a typical "game", and acted more as a simulation of the senses. Anyway, I've been on the lookout for more games that appeal to me. I seem to enjoy games with a puzzle element and high artistic value, but still allow me to spend as much time as I need. I'm developing better skills and reflexes for combat games as well, but they aren't as high on my list. Fantasy themes are a plus, but I like more bizarre modes of play as well. I've listed a few games that have piqued my interests below, though not all of them are for PC. A couple of nights ago I had a dream that I was playing a video game that incorporated claymation, and I got really excited and hoped it would happen someday. When I saw the trailer for The Dream Machine, I forgot that I had seen the trailer for it only about a month or two previously. But yes, it's a game that was created via claymation. I might actually buy that one before I buy Dear Esther.

I'm not giving up on console games, but my PC gaming experience still feels limited, and I'm not enjoying Zork as much as I want to. :/ Besides, if I ever find myself without a console, I'd be more likely to buy another laptop before I would buy a gaming console. I want to see what is offered as entertainment, because I know there are other games besides Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo. :P Though looking at how quickly the list is building, I can suddenly see how one can spend hundreds on video games. And most of these are only about 10 bucks a piece. Maybe I'll settle for three or so.

Myst (any of them)
The Witness
Dear Esther
Stacking
Vessel
The Dream Machine(!!)
Journey
Amnesia: The Dark Descent (part of me says I should play a Silent Hill game before attempting any other survival horror)
Braid (though it seems a little complicated for me to master)
The Path
The Binding of Isaac(just looks like fun)

Ejumacation!

It stinks to absolutely love education and the pursuit of knowledge, but to honestly hate school. It's something I've had trouble admitting to myself. I wasn't necessarily worried about finishing the bachelors program, but I was definitely worried that my guile would not be enough to surpass the amount of work I might have to do in a masters program. And thats just the thing, I have no idea what to expect from that level. After speaking to a couple of people who have been through the ringer already, Im a little relieved that the focus does turn more to seminar discussions and independent study, and less to busy work. I really need to able to thrive here at a higher level of responsibility first. I'm improving my habits bit by bit, but I still seem to lack consistency.

Awkward Moments

So the trip to the Redwoods/Fortuna/Humboldt County went pretty well. I'm kind of glad that's the last time I go to a family reunion, at least for a long while. It was actually quite cold this time, usually it's very warm at the Women's Federation Grove, which is where it's always held. It was fun to get out, as usual, but there were key people missing, aka Grandma Kalford who passed away last year. I always found her easy to talk to, and she was very good at introducing me to people I didn't know. But I saw some people I didn't know, along with some I didn't really remember, and I spent a lot of time feeling very awkward and walking down to the river to pass the time. At least I got a little exercise that way, I went up and down that trail and trudging along the beach about four times.

 My family managed to stay away from fast food completely this time, which was a pretty impressive feat considering how much it costs each time a group of five wants to eat at a restaurant. I forgot how much unhealthy other crap my family eats though. While we were driving there(we took 36 by the way, which was gorgeous but a little scary) Mike pulled out doughnut holes that were to serve as breakfast. I brought my own stuff, but it was buried in the trunk in an area where we could not pull over and I was hungry NOW. So I broke down and ate three to keep me from totally starving, while still falling short of a serving. Luckily there were a lot of salads at the reunion too, and at least thirty people, so I didn't feel bad about picking only the things I really wanted. And quinoa!! Damn that was good!

Going to the beach actually didn't do much to help my depression. If anything, it enhanced my feeling of wistfulness. For what? I actually don't know. It must just be an ocean thing. :/ But I still enjoyed the weather(more than everyone else, actually), and I've determined that if  I need an escape city, Arcata will do just fine. It's so cute and small-ish, and so friendly, but it still caters to my whims and makes me feel enriched. Plus it's rather close to nature type things. :P

I'm not sure what I should think about my relationship right now. One moment I think something could be wrong, that either it's all his fault or it's all my fault and the next I'm second-guessing everything I just said. I think I just need to settle down and not take everything so seriously. The more intense I become, the easier I break. And the more I'm likely to do something stupid. I think I'm going to not care what the future holds in store for Sam and I. I'm going to see him tomorrow, say 'I love you', and enjoy the moments we do get to spend with each other. I think I may just be having troubles with how casual we've gotten with each other, but maybe I just need to learn to live with it.

Thoughtlessness

I can't sleep, so I'm going to write. I've actually needed to for a while, but tablets are bad for writing more than a few sentences. Anyway this is better than staring at the ceiling until it starts moving in patterns, and hearing little imaginary voices every few minutes.

I had to freeze my 24 Hour Fitness account. I'm pissed too, because when I called to cancel, they convince me to freeze my account instead of outright cancelling so I wouldn't have to pay startup fees again, only to remember later that part of the reason I was going to cancel was so I'd still have a free month of gym use. I feel like an eediot. Now I have to wait a MINIMUM of 2 months before I can tell them to open the account again. *grumble*

 I've been feeling...depressed. Can't say for sure why. I can speculate, but even if you took away the various little things bugging me, I don't think it would disappear so easily. And summer depression is worse than winter depression, in my book. Maybe I do need this trip to the coast, and even though I'm with my family, it's still easy enough to mentally separate when I need to.

I had kind of hoped I would be going there with Sam first; I have to say though that I've been feeling strange around him lately. I feel it whenever he looks at me. Something in the dynamics of our relationship has changed, but I can't yet place what that something is. It has caused me to question my modus operandi recently. Have I been careless? Thoughtless? Am I just getting too fat? It's almost as if he's looking down on me. Maybe it's my own paranoia and bad self-esteem, but I can't help feeling like I've been lacking lately, and it's got me a little worried.

Something that Sam said awhile ago hurt me, in a way. It wasn't his fault it hurt though, because I'd been telling myself the same thing for a while; I just didn't realize it would hurt to hear it out loud. See, Sam and I are both on the higher education track, and knowing how competitive our field can be, we both want to get into schools that can offer us the most to learn, and the greatest opportunities. It wasn't terribly difficult for us to end up at Sac State together, and it would have been similar at several institutions for a Bachelors. However, getting into a Masters program is a little more intense, a little more difficult, and a lot more unpredictable. And he stated what I'd been thinking for a while: we could not stay together over great distances. It's not a fun thing to try. I feel a little melodramatic right now, but in some ways it feels like a death sentence. There's no guarantee that we won't end up at the same institution, or at least in the same area. But that little seed of doubt is planted in my mind. How long do I have? Which is stupid, of course. What if he decided to break up with me tomorrow? I should just be grateful for the days I do experience with him.

I need a place to cry.

I figure after three years or so, it was time for an update. I've been feeling very blase today. Though I've made a small revelation today. I've been evaluating what I deem to be a "failure" of a task in my life. In some things, failure is very self-evident, such as a bad grade, or a late notice on a bill that says "failure to pay". I've finally figured out that it isn't as easy when it comes to singing. That should come as a relief to me, but in a way that makes it more frustrating. I see every day as a learning experience, and singing, especially in a performance, is rife with opportunities to fail. At least, that's how I thought of it before. But I've been bringing myself down that way, and attempting to set myself up for actual failure, which means freezing up on the spot with paralyzing fear. I can't call every missed inflection or word or every out-of-tune note during a lesson a failure. I can't call forgetting breath support for a minute a real failure. Not winning a competition does not make me a failure. These things all make me a voice student. A growing musician. Mistakes at this level are not fatal. I have to remind myself of this, or else I can't carry on. I felt horrible guilt over my juries for something I couldn't really help, and played almost no role in my teachers' decisions. I'm a silly human being. :P

Serenity. I wish I had some. :/

My period has been really rough on me this time around. After my little hormone reset a few months ago, I'm starting to see changes that I didn't want to accept at first. Like the fact that now, I actually go through some intense emotional mini-episodes the day or two before my period starts. I used to just feel kind of drained/crappy before. Happy day though, my period seems to have shortened itself by about two days. Hooray!! But that also means the flow is overall more intense. :/
Yes, I did happen to write the last post while I was in the apex of one of those mini-sodes. You can tell by the unnecessary tone of panic and self-deprecation found throughout the text. I can't say I don't still feel that way, but I think I can state it with less hysteria now. It is sort of funny to read though, if it weren't so pathetic sounding.

That fine line...

I consider myself to be fairly nonchalant towards joking commentary made between friends. Granted, it has taken some exposure and practice, but I've done fairly well at keeping myself from taking too many things to heart. Though recently I've been bugged by some of the fun Sam has been poking at me, particularly any that involve my personal shortcomings as being caused from being a woman. I think the catalyst that made me bring this up was a little incident where I was looking to apply at a job, only to find out they wouldn't hire women because of the safety concerns working on night shift. I understand why, but it doesn't keep me from being a bit upset at how prevalently things like rape still occur. Honestly though, this is something that has been truly disturbing me for the past week or so, and at first I thought maybe I was being a little hormonal when I started crying after one of his remarks last night. He didn't even notice, but then again, I didn't really want him or Aaron to notice.  But about the jokes, they're ridiculous, and I should just be able to shrug my shoulders and giggle, even hurl back an insult or two. Instead, they make me furious and extremely reactionary. It's the only time I actually feel like being violent towards him. I should never, EVER feel that way!! I've just considered him as being this person always worthy of my respect and love, yet hearing him say the shit he says, even in jest, is like hearing "I don't really respect you, and I like hitting you where it hurts."
The thing is, I don't remember him having always said stuff like that to me. It seems to have gotten that way more in the last year, or maybe even the last six months. Maybe he's just gotten comfortable enough with me that he feels like he can say anything to me as he would one of his close friends. That's a major plus to me. But though I'm sure he in no way means what he jokes to me about, I can't help but feel like sometimes he's trying to press my buttons and trying to get me to lose my cool. I feel helpless when I've been hurt by one of his jests, but we're around one or several of his friends, and I don't want to cry and look like a fool, but I also don't want to berate him because I don't want to ruin the fun of whatever other company we have around. I've noticed it gets much worse when we're around certain friends. I'm that person who doesn't want conflict, and is willing to let it well up inside strictly because I don't like to make waves, and I'm not even sure if this constitutes a legitimate issue. Am I really just being too sensitive? Or are there just some things you shouldn't say to your girlfriend? Is this something I'll just get over after some time, or is it really an issue I should bring up with him? I don't want him to feel like he can't joke with me at all, but I really can't stand it sometimes. I've been crying in moments by myself like this, where I think about snapping and yelling at him for this kind of thing, but then being totally afraid that he'll just decide I was just roommate/fucking fodder and that he'll decide to leave and find someone who's less uptight than I. And now looking at this, I'm not sure if this is more about an issue with him, or about my own insecurities. I'm just going to stop this post here; I don't need to go any further down the spiral tonight.

Tossing and turning

More dream trouble. As much as I know they're only dream, they do nothing to ease my stress. For almost the past two weeks, I've been having intense dreams of loss. That seems to be the recurring theme, anyway. I lost friends, family, mentors, money, trust, security, home, and sanity. Somehow a different one each night. I hope there's nothing to be lost tonight, but each morning I've woken up tense and I don't feel like I slept, at least not well. I have a hunch that my problem lies a little deeper than having a flat pillow to lay on; I just haven't really figured it out.

As you can see, I had a little dilemma. No longer. :)

So, I got impatient and wrote four journal entries on paper.  Trying to decide whether to retype them or not....

Happy for no Reason

Well, goodness me! I sincerely thought no one ever even came across this page as it sat in it's own dark little corner of the internet, but for the first time ever I viewed the statistics on this page and was sort of, well, stunned. I mean, its still nothing to write home about, but I guess I am interesting enough to have been peeked at. Not commented on, though, but that's fine. It is a public page on the internet though, so I should have known that sooner or later someone would see it on passing and not hate it. Ciao!

Crafty

I feel genuinely excited this summer, and not for reasons you would expect. I joined the gym, and am trying desperately to keep the promise to myself to get into better shape so I can feel healthier. I'm also going to stay well-connected to my family and a few friends, and have a few little adventures out of town. I'm going to spend some quality time with Sam, and remind him how important he is to my life.I'm even going to have lots of time to practice piano skills and my junior recital pieces. But most importantly, I'm going to start crafting again. I know, it sounds like the least important thing, but honestly, I am a lost person when I don't have enough outlets. I forget my skills. I forget to be creative. Worst of all, I lose confidence over time in my ability to take charge of anything. The blog helps, certainly. Even if I don't get it out immediately, I always feel like I can get out all the word vomit I need without using up whole sheafs of paper. Gardening and cooking help, too. But I miss my visual art pursuits. My drawings and paintings. None of them are spectacular, especially by my standards, but I still enjoy most of them and can proudly say that they are creations of my own styling entirely. My "poetry" too. I don't do it to become great at it, though I have improved a bit over time, nor do I expect to make money off of it. But I feel that I truly benefit, even if it is in a more intrinsic, stress-relieving sort of way. I will print off a copy of all my poetry onhe day though, for myself and whoever might want it. I also gathered all of the scrap cloth my Grammy gave me, and I'm pretty sure the purses and bags I make with them will be adorable. :3

I heard this quote from a witch character in the musical Into the Woods. I'm not sure why, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
"I'm not good, I'm not nice, I'm just right."

Why is it that I'm failing MIDI, yet the only thing I can think about is how best to sneakily send the teacher horrible porn.

Was walking to the music hall today and saw a lady watching the squirrels hump on the lawn. She had a leery smile.

I've been stuck, only moving as I am tugged at by the wind. Nothing feels easy. I am failing.

Whirling, incomprehensibly, drifting, elongating into sleep.

Relief, or Something Like it

Well, I had a nice little scare. But it's done with, and now I just have to figure out why my lovely body decided to change it's mind on me. But actually, I'm going to write about something a little different this time around. You see, last night I had my first ever homo-erotic dream. Shocked? Probably not. I don't know. You probably don't care. See, I'm one of those people who while being comfortable about my sexual orientation and everyone else's around me, I was pretty sure I'd always be the straightest straight girl that ever was straight. Or whatever. I mean, it was only a dream, but the thing was, I still reacted the same way after I woke up. With pleasure. I won't reveal with whom I had this little dream about because I don't want to make anyone around me uncomfortable, but it was just a little bit of an eye-opener for me. That I really wouldn't mind, given the right person. However, I also got from the dream that I won't pursue a relationship like that outside of the beautiful committed relationship I already have. It's just as much cheating to me with a woman as it would be with another man. But yeah, there you have it.