The mind is more absorbed every day. It frustrates me to be able to think of nothing more than him, like an unhealthy obsession. I'd be almost positive it is one by this point, if it weren't for the entire purpose of this. And I'm not violent or overzealous enough to fit the part. I just feel plagued by what feels like unfinished business. I know that if I don't hear anything from him by a certain point in time, I can continue planning the trip, but that somehow does nothing to calm my spirit. I'd rather hear anything from him, even a sharp rebuke, instead of trying to plan for something entirely tumultuous and uncertain. A couple of dreams ago I saw him again, laying by my side as what often pops into my dreams before I awaken. But instead of the normal, painful imagined intimacy, he was whispering, consolingly but still somewhat urgently into my ear. I could not make out what he was trying to say, as if it were too quiet and I too far away, or perhaps in another tongue I could not comprehend. I'm not sure exactly what the dream means, if anything. I feel like curling up into a ball and quitting. I quit too easily, and I set myself up for failure often. Let us hope I hear something soon.
Just one message can bring down the "world" you have set up around you. I still don't know if it was a good idea to send it. I'm waiting to see now if there will be a return message that either tears down moe of my world, or builds it up. I feel like I'm getting close to ground zero. Perhaps I really don't deserve forgiveness. Maybe I deserve to have our worlds separated forever. It's painful, it's painful. It's painful.
My patience is failing me. I'm not sure how long I can take the stress until it starts affecting my body. It already does, to a lesser extent. It's difficult to remain optimistic. It's not negative energy, it's just turmoil. It feels like only a matter of time before I finally just walk out the door, all the way to Georgia. Everything in me is too restless here. I'm trying to respect his wishes, I am. This sucks!! I can't wait until summer. Then I can see what I really want to do.
I sent in an application to become a Suicide Girl last night, and well, it was accepted!! :D It looks like a fun opportunity for me to model and be myself in front of the camera. I'm looking forward to it. IF you don't know much about the site, you can go to suicidegirls.com. Ja!!