To think I say I cannot express myself clearly,
for whenever I see my own writing it's as if
it was always there.


Relief(Sort of)

Well, some (sort of) good news...my uncle has no tumor. Instead, he had a stroke. Or I should say, one small stroke, and one major stroke. The good part is that he is stable, and will be able to recover at least some movement in his right side. But we won't know how much exactly for a while until he's gotten through enough physical therapy. Although, Isaac's music seems to be reflecting my mood about this whole thing, incidentally. I'm listening to his composition recital from home. In other news, I did horribly on my test in piano today, which I sort of knew was going to happen(even though I practiced much more on that piece than I normally would), and I just had a dream this afternoon that a juvenile delinquent was murdering my entire family. Not fun. I'm either under some sort of weird high level of stress, or I should stop taking naps after big meals. 



I don't know how I'm so calm right now, maybe it's just my response to an emergency situation. I just feel like I shouldn't be since my uncle is dying. I'd like to be more optimistic, but the fact is that brain tumors are deadly. I wish they had suggested running some tests the first time he came in to the doctors with severe dizziness even though his vitals were fine, instead of sending him home with crappy vertigo medication. I'm watching the kids and the apartment while everyone sleeps since I'm young and the only night owl. I'm fine with this. I just hope that my uncle can get the help he needs, whether it be from the surgeons at hand, or somethig more supernatural. Though I will say my family will likely be calling on more spirits to help than usual. I plead, for Odin, Thor, Hecate, Isis, Cernunnos, and my dad if he's not busy, to look after my uncle. He's too young to go, and has a family that can't be left behind.



I feel positively shitty, as if my body woke up today, only to say "I give up on today". Pretty disappointing. And I have a headache, AGAIN. Man, am I always this bitchy? I bet Sam gets sick of me complaining. I think I just need a nap, I've been getting shitty sleep the last few days. You know, whe you lay there, and you sort of rest, but you really toss and turn all night and don't remember actually sleeping. Bleh. On a more positive note, I did get to see two dear friends last night whom I haven't seen in several months, so there's that. :3 I hope they fiind their place in Sacramento, even if only for a while.



At times I catch a poignant moment,
When your breath touches me
with tragic tenderness.
I fear my eventual loss.
Sometimes I am a hummingbird
pecking in vain at a giant sequoia,
knowing I can never really enter.
How I wish to be part of you!
Sometimes I feel shame,
knowing you would see me
at my grossest, my dumbest,
my numbest, and my most peculiar.
But love is never as aesthetic or as sterile
as we desire.
The grime and the torture are where love lies.
Lasting love belongs to only
the strong of will, those who lack fear
of the lonely nights in which we
must face our dark reflections.