I guess I slacked off a little the last few days. I think I'm just determined to leave nothing behind that will remind me of Thanksgiving food, although we didn't quite escape without Sam's parents handing us some turkey as we went out the door.

Today: Garlic trisuits with cream cheese, 4 cups of Women's Moon Cycle Tea(yerp), a Belgian waffle with strawberries, bananas, and Nutella, Chicken noodle soup(Saigon!), an eye opener, a sugar free Monster, and two slices of pizza(cheese, chicken, garlic, black olive, artichoke heart, white sauce). A better day than most.

I feel so unprepared for juries, or rather, junior qualifiers. I feel unprepared for everything. I'm pretty sure that even though my Russian teacher is unbearably good-hearted and does everything to try and help me, I've probably made him think that music majors are lazy and flaky. That's not the case, though. It's just me. :P I'll keep this short, because I should really be doing other things right now.


Merp. :/

I'm really bored right now. Usually I have no problem with Sam playing Madden, but I keep being told it's not going to take very long, while at the same time I've not gotten to spend any time with my friends up here yet, and I'm waiting for him to finish so we can go visit someone up in Redding, but I haven't even really told this person because I don't know if we'll even have time to visit or not before we come back down here to visit with another one of his friends who he already made appointment with. I'd pull out my books to study, but I feel like the moment I started he'd say it's time to go. I'm almost tempted to try it just to see if it works.

I feel locked up lately. As if I'm lacking energy, but I'm not, I just can't seem to gain access to it. I enjoy Sacramento, but I feel like there's no place to get away there without travelling at least an hour away. It's so flat, and there is terrible light pollution where we live. I never thougth I'd say this, but I can't wait until the next weekend that Sam goes up to his parent's and I don't. I need a moment to myself.


After the meal

I'm just...not even going to try and cover what all I ate last night. I wouldn't be able to tell you, considering I went to two Thanksgiving dinners to appease two families. I actually don't think I broke the calorie bank, but I made up for not gorging by having a tiny bit of every food I saw laying about. I can tell you that I had a lot of dark meat. A LOT. It was glorious, and some of the most tender turkey I've ever had. I do think it accounted for a weird-ass dream I had last night, in which I was trying to escape from a portal-esque shadow organization that had surveillance everywhere and experimented on inhabitants. Also, I had a super-bouncy body. Not as in luscious, as in, I ricocheted off of buildings like a super bouncy ball. Weird as fuck.



I'd call it Thanksgiving, but I think I'll be receiving a lot more food than I'll be giving this year. I'm reeeeally curious as to how I'm going to nutritionally balance having Thanksgiving meals from two families in the same day. I just hope I can avoid the sort of stomach torture I went through last year. :P

Yesterday:finished off with 5 jalapeno poppers with ranch, bbq pulled pork sandwich rom Chilis, coffee, a slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream, and a Monster Rehab Rojo(they just came out, and rojo is just as delicious as the regular Rehab).

I always find ways to justify my bad food decisions, and although I can't justify all of it, I knew I was going to need the energy last night while we traveled about 250 miles, during the time which I normally sleep.

Today so far: Coffee(with good reason).



Foodwise: Almond croissant, eye opener, banana, Chicken Noodle soup, salad(baby spinach, cucumber, avocado, walnut, cranberries, Italian dressing), wonton tacos from Applebees(they're pretty light, actually), Long Island Iced Tea, Triple Chocolate Meltdown(probably the worst thing I had, but I only consumed 400 of the 800 possible calories). Not a terrible day diet-wise.

Last night I had my first operatic performance at Sac State. Boy howdy, it was fun. :) Especially with the randomly placed "Ran Plan Plan"s all over the place. Here's our streamed performance, if you like. :)


Another day, another diet...

So...my list for yesterday. It started out great. Then I got really hungry after rehearsal. Like, RAVENOUS. So I made a reeeeally bad food choice, but I don't feel as bad because I only ate about half of it.

Yesterday: Garlic Triscuits with vegetable cream cheese(10), macchiato a la Chocolate Fish, two double decker tacos, IHOP's Country Fried Steak (includes said steak with country gravy, scrambled eggs, hashbrowns, and 2 pancakes),  Sonic Neuro.

Yeah, that could have gone a little better.

Today(so far): chocolate oat breakfast bar, banana, chicken noodle soup from Saigon Bay(it's much healthier than I thought), Eye opener from Java City. Half & half strikes once again, but at the same time, I can 't take how watery nonfat milk is and that's the only other option. :P


Good News

So, my weight gain isn't as visually drastic as I thought; instead, I actually fit into my clothes a little better. I guess I just felt like a fatty-fatty for not moving around for a while. Eating more pastries will make you feel sluggish too. Although, as promised, I'm still committing to my food diary.

Yesterday: Quince pie(half a slice, decided it was too tart), tofu lasagna, banana, holiday coffee(I could have let up on the half & half), more tofu lasagna, pomegranate seeds, 2 Reeses extra large peanut butter cups, a zero sugar Monster, Ruffles Sour Cream and Cheddar potato chips, homemade white mocha.

That wasn't all bad, but it wasn't all good, either.

Today: Cashew crackers with strawberry cream cheese(I justify this by saying I only had ten crackers with one corner dipped in the cream cheese), pomegranate seeds, Chic-Fil-A spicy chicken sandwich with provolone(I probably should have gotten char-grilled, but that selection didn't have the spicy option), Red Bull 12 oz, Monster Rehab(3grams of sugar people, that's harmless), York candy pieces(not so harmless).

I still let my taste buds reign most of the time, but I don't always crave just junk. :P


Poo. :(

So, I weighed myself the other day, confident that suppressing my urge to compulsively check my weight every day had paid off in a small weight loss. Not so. :( I had been concerned beforehand, knowing that I had been feeling a little tubby as of late, but I chalked it up more to the feelings of indulgence from eating fast food in the last few days of being in a rush, and assured myself that I had maybe gained two pounds. However, I wasn't expecting to step on the scale and see my weight jump from 145 to 158. I was stunned; it had been less than two weeks since I had weighed myself last. Now, I live neither a completely sedentary life, nor an adequately active one, but I thought that at least having to walk across campus constantly and going up and down several flights of stairs would burn at least a few calories. Too few, I guess. It doesn't help that I have access to an amazing and free gym on campus that is open until midnight on most days, yet  it is far enough out of the way as a walk that if I feel even remotely tired I won't walk over there. Of course, I forget to pack workout clothes most of the time, and there is a dress code. I think what will help is if I force myself to post everything I eat in a day on here. Even the vestigial threat of publicly releasing my daily nutritional intake will force me to make better decisions. What happened to my favorite snack being bell peppers? I'm not exactly wealthy, but if I spent less money on food at school and actually made lunches as per my original plan, I think I could have saved a lot of money this semester. It doesn't help that there are so many coffee places on campus.

Here goes, first day, so far: Mint tea, chocolate croissant, minestrone soup, iced caramel macchiato, baked lays.

I guess I'll decide to underline things that are clearly unhealthy, and italicize things that could be substituted, but aren't terrible in and of themselves.


Passing time...

Just trying to find a way to pass the time. Who knew I'd ever need to do that? I think it's because a good portion of my "homework" time is dedicated to practice, and since I can't sing still, there seems to be no point in staring at my music and reviewing a thousand times the different nuances and technical corrections I've noted for each phrase when I can't put it into practice. I'm not really supposed to talk either(bears down on the vocal cords more than singing), so socializing would be a bit awkward. Not that there's really anyone I want to talk to right now.  And in lieu of not practicing, I've spent an egregious amount of time playing Oblivion and trying to figure out what color I am painting my nails for my opera scenes performance. Wo is really going to see my nails besides the first three rows? But, those are the sorts of subjects that run through my head while I am bored. :P  I'm supposed to go to my Music advising soon, and I'm disappointed because I found out I will have to put off either Music History until next year, or put off finishing Russian until next year since they happen at the same time. Oy, how do I find myself in these messes? :/


Peppermint, anyone?

So, I'm sick, and it blows. See, there isn't really anything more pitiful in the field of music than a sick voice major. At least instrumentalists are not hindered from using their fingers, even if they are fatigued, but voice majors can't do anything, and we're supposed to wait until we are completely well to attempt to sing again. Well, that's fine and dandy but I'm an impatient person to begin with, not to mention I have missed my lesson today, my coaching tomorrow, I have junior qualifying juries in a couple of weeks, two opera scene performances next week, a Christmas choir concert after that, and today I was supposed to sing for a lady offering me a job in caroling, who I've already had to put off once. This is no bueno. :( On a slightly different thought, I remembered today one of the first choir pieces at Shasta College. Titled "The Waking" by David Conte, and it's so beautiful and quirky, and really makes we want for Sam to be able to study under David Conte someday. Unfortunately the only recordings I could find were of high school and community college choirs kind of sucking, so here's the poetry instead, a la villanelle:

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.



As an another attempt to make my writing habitual, I will share what I found last week. Apparently, we have quince trees in our university's arboretum. The wonderful thing about quince trees is that they are hermaphrodites, and therefore self-fertilizing. I got permission from the caretaker to take home some of these wondrous and gigantor quinces to make a dish out of. Nothing fancy of course, but the tried and true method seems to be poaching. So I am currently performing my quince-poaching experiment with some honey, rosewater, and star anise. Smells good so far. :3 Although they're already soft, they're really tart right now. :X I'll see if I can fix that.



I feel like I have taken knowledge meant to be learned in years, and condensed it down to weeks. I do actually amaze myself sometimes. I never think I'm doing that well, but somehow my voice teacher is constantly impressed at how quickly I learn and improve myself week by week(apparently). Last week I finally started on my last piece of the semester, and after two days discovered I had already memorized it. I guess there is a big difference between "focused practicing" and just "repetitive practicing". I wish I was this quick in other aspects of my musical education, but I guess that just means I have to do homework. Boo-hoo. :P



So, that last poem kind of sucked. I had the right idea, but I mostly hate how I arranged it. But sincerely, I do love Fall. That scent of the edge of life, it brings out something truly wicked feeling in me. The unearthing of memories, dark and vital, sometimes both, is overhwelming yet momentary, reminiscent of a failed climax. It seems I can only glimpse a second of the pure bliss until the lock has reset. And indeed, it is a most physical sensation, afflicting all of my senses. I find it amazing how just a chance differing scent or change of hue in the scenery can alter the perspective of a landscape I have seen so many times. Just when I feel I have been absolutely jaded to any secret offered about a place I have seen or been, I suddenly find something that invigorates and revitalizes a place to back when I looked on it for the first time with wonder, as if I had never remembered living there. I feel like being outside more suddenly, which is a shame, because I have less daylight now to take such an escapade. I sometimes wish someone read my writings, even if the only response is "Why yes, I know precisely what you mean". I should write more often. It would be a better use of my time, at least. I think I will attempt to write more poetry on here. I do feel a little more inspired. I never write when people expect me to write. Many poeple would expect posts on holidays, or on important matters, or after vacations. Just as you would for candid photos. I don't enjoy that sort of writing though. It just seems too cursory, and I write very impulsively. I don't like taking pictures while on vacation, either.
Even when I do, it's usually of the scenery, and almost nothing of what we're doing. I suppose documentation feels unauthentic at times. I would make a terrible field anthropologist. These fall memories of mine, they always seem unsatisfied. I have of course had reason to be unsatisfied in autumns of past years, but it seems to be a more ancient feeling, reaching much further back than atrocities of  the adolescent years. It doesn't really have much to do with the season itself, I have weird feelings for every season of the year. But I love fall the most, perhaps because it does have this strange emotional impact on me that is so much stronger than at any other time. I feel like in order to get close to this feeling, it would require me getting lost, deep in the woods. Staying late into the evening. Becoming the dirt under the leaves. Not as in death, but something that slithers between my  conscious and unconscious. I have problems elucidating; all I can really do is prevaricate to myself. Or perhaps I'm simply circumvaricating. Okay, I made up that word. I like it though. :P