Knowing I

We may lay claim
to another's aim
But how could we?
Knowing I
of only land and sky
can only comprehend what I've seen.
We can guess, I guess,
and understand, digest,
but I'll not waste time
on another's schemes.
Of space,
Knowing I
am but a trace
in the universe.
Yet human race
has never stopped,
their progress and mirth.
Knowing I
could send any theme
through writing,
have found not
of which I've been scribing.


my babies

I miss my kitties, and I really hope they are okay. I only gave them food for the first few days, and I can't remember if I ever put away that chocolate or not. I feel miserable right now. I can't wait to go home.


Hogmanay! <-- I like this word

Let's see what I can come up with...

Precious diamond sun,
distant and coldest,
looking for moonbright,
to give calm and solace.
Hoping again for rapture in gold,
rejoice yet anew in sylvan light.
Keep we now the bright around us,
searching now for warmest and safest,
Doing as ancestors had won before,
Live or live not in densest forest.


Busy, busy

I've been very preoccupied with studying the last few weeks, along with trying to budget out how broke I'm going to be for the next month or so. In the meantime though, I've put up a fabulous little tree for Yule, with PURPLE lights, red ornaments, and silver icicles. Gawgeus. :P I sort of wish it was real, but at the same time I'm glad I don't have to worry about it shedding or dying while we're away.

I've been getting kind of pissy lately. It's not towards anyone in particular, I'll just get into bad moody-moods that leave me generally annoyed by everything. I'm nowhere close to my period, and it doesn't feel emotional enough to be PMS anyway(what rare cases I've experienced). Maybe it's just the finals sinking in. I do know I get really anxious when I know I need to do something, because if I don't do it right then, I fear I'll forget to do it later. It's because I'm bad at planning, I think. I'm starting to use more little things to help my organizational skills, but really, I still get scared.

I hope I get a chance to get to the coast this winter; that would be fabulous.


You Two Are My Eagles in Drag

That was a pretty fantastic movie.

Today: Crepe with bananas and Nutella, turkey and wild rice soup, french fries, and a few orange cream sticks.
That's it so far.

Yeah, I slacked again, but I am working on crap for finals(or at least trying to look like I am). I've been filling out Christmas cards for family and teachers, and a few friends. I also got a new Android tablet(I can't remember what they're called) by chance, had three choir concerts in one weekend, and I am trying to find all ten or more of the concert programs I've attended over the course of the semester for a giant packet that I have to turn in soon. I'll be making piroshki tonight for tomorrow's Russian class to imbibe, as well as practicing piano, voice, and Russian. Oops, I also really need to wash towels if I hope to have a shower tomorrow. I'll also be enduring lots of chaos for a friend's wedding this weekend; we're helping her out of kindness, but it seems to be a lot more trouble than originally anticipated. That's not necessarily her fault, but I wish one of the people we are supposed to be transporting would have told me of their plans sooner. What can you do? I'm also singing for her wedding(a last minute call of desperation), but I'm absolutely okay with that. Even if I'm not getting paid, it could still provide future employment prospects if I do well.



Ack!! I caught myself slacking on this again! I will break myself and make sure that I do at least one thing habitually. And I mean the blog posts, not just the part where I write down my dietary embarrassments. :P

Today: Regular coffee, almond croissant, an Indian dish with curried peas, cheese, and rice, a samosa, some salad with balsamic vinaigrette(spinach, cucumber, bell pepper, avocado, cranberries, olives, and walnuts), more coffee, and I may have some cashew crackers with strawberry cream cheese. :3 I've been a good girl today.

Things I didn't do today: my homework, go to World Music, get my boots fixed, get my hair trimmed, get birthday cards for my stepdad and littlest brother.

Things I did do today: Register for classes, and in the process clear up a glaring clerical order that would have kept me from being able to get into the classes I needed, took in a resume and got an interview at a sandwich shop, took in recycle and am never collecting it again because it wasn't worth the $18 to store a thousand cans in my apartment for several months, did mediocre on my Russian vocab test, and paid rent(almost late).

I'm really, really happy because I found a cheap used copy of both Fantasia and Fantasia 2000 in pristine condition, and I'm watching it with the same excitement I did as a kid. :D I bought myself another couple of little gifts; A Portrait of Dorian Grey and Lolita. I started on Lolita first, and it is proving to be quite intense.

I found out I won't be able to continue with Russian next semester due to large schedule conflicts, which is a shame, but I may try to finish it later if I get the chance. For now though, I'll be beginning French, which I am okay with, considering I never finished studying it from junior high.

That's all for now; I've been considering making some bread with the unbleached flour I got. I just haven't decided whether it's going to be banana or pumpkin...or perhaps both, in time. Whichever I choose, I'll make it with molasses in place of sugar, it's a little kinder on the belly. Also, despite my depression over Russian class, I'm going to try out a recipe for piroshki for the class. Man, that sounds good. :P



I guess I slacked off a little the last few days. I think I'm just determined to leave nothing behind that will remind me of Thanksgiving food, although we didn't quite escape without Sam's parents handing us some turkey as we went out the door.

Today: Garlic trisuits with cream cheese, 4 cups of Women's Moon Cycle Tea(yerp), a Belgian waffle with strawberries, bananas, and Nutella, Chicken noodle soup(Saigon!), an eye opener, a sugar free Monster, and two slices of pizza(cheese, chicken, garlic, black olive, artichoke heart, white sauce). A better day than most.

I feel so unprepared for juries, or rather, junior qualifiers. I feel unprepared for everything. I'm pretty sure that even though my Russian teacher is unbearably good-hearted and does everything to try and help me, I've probably made him think that music majors are lazy and flaky. That's not the case, though. It's just me. :P I'll keep this short, because I should really be doing other things right now.


Merp. :/

I'm really bored right now. Usually I have no problem with Sam playing Madden, but I keep being told it's not going to take very long, while at the same time I've not gotten to spend any time with my friends up here yet, and I'm waiting for him to finish so we can go visit someone up in Redding, but I haven't even really told this person because I don't know if we'll even have time to visit or not before we come back down here to visit with another one of his friends who he already made appointment with. I'd pull out my books to study, but I feel like the moment I started he'd say it's time to go. I'm almost tempted to try it just to see if it works.

I feel locked up lately. As if I'm lacking energy, but I'm not, I just can't seem to gain access to it. I enjoy Sacramento, but I feel like there's no place to get away there without travelling at least an hour away. It's so flat, and there is terrible light pollution where we live. I never thougth I'd say this, but I can't wait until the next weekend that Sam goes up to his parent's and I don't. I need a moment to myself.


After the meal

I'm just...not even going to try and cover what all I ate last night. I wouldn't be able to tell you, considering I went to two Thanksgiving dinners to appease two families. I actually don't think I broke the calorie bank, but I made up for not gorging by having a tiny bit of every food I saw laying about. I can tell you that I had a lot of dark meat. A LOT. It was glorious, and some of the most tender turkey I've ever had. I do think it accounted for a weird-ass dream I had last night, in which I was trying to escape from a portal-esque shadow organization that had surveillance everywhere and experimented on inhabitants. Also, I had a super-bouncy body. Not as in luscious, as in, I ricocheted off of buildings like a super bouncy ball. Weird as fuck.



I'd call it Thanksgiving, but I think I'll be receiving a lot more food than I'll be giving this year. I'm reeeeally curious as to how I'm going to nutritionally balance having Thanksgiving meals from two families in the same day. I just hope I can avoid the sort of stomach torture I went through last year. :P

Yesterday:finished off with 5 jalapeno poppers with ranch, bbq pulled pork sandwich rom Chilis, coffee, a slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream, and a Monster Rehab Rojo(they just came out, and rojo is just as delicious as the regular Rehab).

I always find ways to justify my bad food decisions, and although I can't justify all of it, I knew I was going to need the energy last night while we traveled about 250 miles, during the time which I normally sleep.

Today so far: Coffee(with good reason).



Foodwise: Almond croissant, eye opener, banana, Chicken Noodle soup, salad(baby spinach, cucumber, avocado, walnut, cranberries, Italian dressing), wonton tacos from Applebees(they're pretty light, actually), Long Island Iced Tea, Triple Chocolate Meltdown(probably the worst thing I had, but I only consumed 400 of the 800 possible calories). Not a terrible day diet-wise.

Last night I had my first operatic performance at Sac State. Boy howdy, it was fun. :) Especially with the randomly placed "Ran Plan Plan"s all over the place. Here's our streamed performance, if you like. :)


Another day, another diet...

So...my list for yesterday. It started out great. Then I got really hungry after rehearsal. Like, RAVENOUS. So I made a reeeeally bad food choice, but I don't feel as bad because I only ate about half of it.

Yesterday: Garlic Triscuits with vegetable cream cheese(10), macchiato a la Chocolate Fish, two double decker tacos, IHOP's Country Fried Steak (includes said steak with country gravy, scrambled eggs, hashbrowns, and 2 pancakes),  Sonic Neuro.

Yeah, that could have gone a little better.

Today(so far): chocolate oat breakfast bar, banana, chicken noodle soup from Saigon Bay(it's much healthier than I thought), Eye opener from Java City. Half & half strikes once again, but at the same time, I can 't take how watery nonfat milk is and that's the only other option. :P


Good News

So, my weight gain isn't as visually drastic as I thought; instead, I actually fit into my clothes a little better. I guess I just felt like a fatty-fatty for not moving around for a while. Eating more pastries will make you feel sluggish too. Although, as promised, I'm still committing to my food diary.

Yesterday: Quince pie(half a slice, decided it was too tart), tofu lasagna, banana, holiday coffee(I could have let up on the half & half), more tofu lasagna, pomegranate seeds, 2 Reeses extra large peanut butter cups, a zero sugar Monster, Ruffles Sour Cream and Cheddar potato chips, homemade white mocha.

That wasn't all bad, but it wasn't all good, either.

Today: Cashew crackers with strawberry cream cheese(I justify this by saying I only had ten crackers with one corner dipped in the cream cheese), pomegranate seeds, Chic-Fil-A spicy chicken sandwich with provolone(I probably should have gotten char-grilled, but that selection didn't have the spicy option), Red Bull 12 oz, Monster Rehab(3grams of sugar people, that's harmless), York candy pieces(not so harmless).

I still let my taste buds reign most of the time, but I don't always crave just junk. :P


Poo. :(

So, I weighed myself the other day, confident that suppressing my urge to compulsively check my weight every day had paid off in a small weight loss. Not so. :( I had been concerned beforehand, knowing that I had been feeling a little tubby as of late, but I chalked it up more to the feelings of indulgence from eating fast food in the last few days of being in a rush, and assured myself that I had maybe gained two pounds. However, I wasn't expecting to step on the scale and see my weight jump from 145 to 158. I was stunned; it had been less than two weeks since I had weighed myself last. Now, I live neither a completely sedentary life, nor an adequately active one, but I thought that at least having to walk across campus constantly and going up and down several flights of stairs would burn at least a few calories. Too few, I guess. It doesn't help that I have access to an amazing and free gym on campus that is open until midnight on most days, yet  it is far enough out of the way as a walk that if I feel even remotely tired I won't walk over there. Of course, I forget to pack workout clothes most of the time, and there is a dress code. I think what will help is if I force myself to post everything I eat in a day on here. Even the vestigial threat of publicly releasing my daily nutritional intake will force me to make better decisions. What happened to my favorite snack being bell peppers? I'm not exactly wealthy, but if I spent less money on food at school and actually made lunches as per my original plan, I think I could have saved a lot of money this semester. It doesn't help that there are so many coffee places on campus.

Here goes, first day, so far: Mint tea, chocolate croissant, minestrone soup, iced caramel macchiato, baked lays.

I guess I'll decide to underline things that are clearly unhealthy, and italicize things that could be substituted, but aren't terrible in and of themselves.


Passing time...

Just trying to find a way to pass the time. Who knew I'd ever need to do that? I think it's because a good portion of my "homework" time is dedicated to practice, and since I can't sing still, there seems to be no point in staring at my music and reviewing a thousand times the different nuances and technical corrections I've noted for each phrase when I can't put it into practice. I'm not really supposed to talk either(bears down on the vocal cords more than singing), so socializing would be a bit awkward. Not that there's really anyone I want to talk to right now.  And in lieu of not practicing, I've spent an egregious amount of time playing Oblivion and trying to figure out what color I am painting my nails for my opera scenes performance. Wo is really going to see my nails besides the first three rows? But, those are the sorts of subjects that run through my head while I am bored. :P  I'm supposed to go to my Music advising soon, and I'm disappointed because I found out I will have to put off either Music History until next year, or put off finishing Russian until next year since they happen at the same time. Oy, how do I find myself in these messes? :/


Peppermint, anyone?

So, I'm sick, and it blows. See, there isn't really anything more pitiful in the field of music than a sick voice major. At least instrumentalists are not hindered from using their fingers, even if they are fatigued, but voice majors can't do anything, and we're supposed to wait until we are completely well to attempt to sing again. Well, that's fine and dandy but I'm an impatient person to begin with, not to mention I have missed my lesson today, my coaching tomorrow, I have junior qualifying juries in a couple of weeks, two opera scene performances next week, a Christmas choir concert after that, and today I was supposed to sing for a lady offering me a job in caroling, who I've already had to put off once. This is no bueno. :( On a slightly different thought, I remembered today one of the first choir pieces at Shasta College. Titled "The Waking" by David Conte, and it's so beautiful and quirky, and really makes we want for Sam to be able to study under David Conte someday. Unfortunately the only recordings I could find were of high school and community college choirs kind of sucking, so here's the poetry instead, a la villanelle:

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.



As an another attempt to make my writing habitual, I will share what I found last week. Apparently, we have quince trees in our university's arboretum. The wonderful thing about quince trees is that they are hermaphrodites, and therefore self-fertilizing. I got permission from the caretaker to take home some of these wondrous and gigantor quinces to make a dish out of. Nothing fancy of course, but the tried and true method seems to be poaching. So I am currently performing my quince-poaching experiment with some honey, rosewater, and star anise. Smells good so far. :3 Although they're already soft, they're really tart right now. :X I'll see if I can fix that.



I feel like I have taken knowledge meant to be learned in years, and condensed it down to weeks. I do actually amaze myself sometimes. I never think I'm doing that well, but somehow my voice teacher is constantly impressed at how quickly I learn and improve myself week by week(apparently). Last week I finally started on my last piece of the semester, and after two days discovered I had already memorized it. I guess there is a big difference between "focused practicing" and just "repetitive practicing". I wish I was this quick in other aspects of my musical education, but I guess that just means I have to do homework. Boo-hoo. :P



So, that last poem kind of sucked. I had the right idea, but I mostly hate how I arranged it. But sincerely, I do love Fall. That scent of the edge of life, it brings out something truly wicked feeling in me. The unearthing of memories, dark and vital, sometimes both, is overhwelming yet momentary, reminiscent of a failed climax. It seems I can only glimpse a second of the pure bliss until the lock has reset. And indeed, it is a most physical sensation, afflicting all of my senses. I find it amazing how just a chance differing scent or change of hue in the scenery can alter the perspective of a landscape I have seen so many times. Just when I feel I have been absolutely jaded to any secret offered about a place I have seen or been, I suddenly find something that invigorates and revitalizes a place to back when I looked on it for the first time with wonder, as if I had never remembered living there. I feel like being outside more suddenly, which is a shame, because I have less daylight now to take such an escapade. I sometimes wish someone read my writings, even if the only response is "Why yes, I know precisely what you mean". I should write more often. It would be a better use of my time, at least. I think I will attempt to write more poetry on here. I do feel a little more inspired. I never write when people expect me to write. Many poeple would expect posts on holidays, or on important matters, or after vacations. Just as you would for candid photos. I don't enjoy that sort of writing though. It just seems too cursory, and I write very impulsively. I don't like taking pictures while on vacation, either.
Even when I do, it's usually of the scenery, and almost nothing of what we're doing. I suppose documentation feels unauthentic at times. I would make a terrible field anthropologist. These fall memories of mine, they always seem unsatisfied. I have of course had reason to be unsatisfied in autumns of past years, but it seems to be a more ancient feeling, reaching much further back than atrocities of  the adolescent years. It doesn't really have much to do with the season itself, I have weird feelings for every season of the year. But I love fall the most, perhaps because it does have this strange emotional impact on me that is so much stronger than at any other time. I feel like in order to get close to this feeling, it would require me getting lost, deep in the woods. Staying late into the evening. Becoming the dirt under the leaves. Not as in death, but something that slithers between my  conscious and unconscious. I have problems elucidating; all I can really do is prevaricate to myself. Or perhaps I'm simply circumvaricating. Okay, I made up that word. I like it though. :P



A breeze of perfume,
suggestion of age,
entrances the senses,
clearing haze from dog days.

First shadows of fall,
opens dimensions,
allowing the soul to
catch up on reflection.

Fading of life,
crescendo of passion,
To feel more alive,
as a form of regression.

Herein the golden leaves
hold their cotillion,
catching the last light
while waiting for snow;
spirits phase into
a vast celebration,
while Hecate smiles
and sways to and fro.



I think  I may have lost the spark to write poetry. : / I mean, I already knew I wouldn't be doing much with it, but I can't grasp why I suddenly feel out of inspiration. Am I tired? Too busy? That never seemed to bug me before. Although, after my laptop went out, I've been very worried about the small collection of poems I had been forming over some time. I had about thirty at the time, and now I don't know if I can recover them. A good portion of them exist in different parts of the internet, so that's relieving as long as I don't get hacked, but at least 5 or 6 may never reach my eyes again. And they're not necessarily things I have memorized. I know I wrote one bit of prose about the tragic and short tale of a frog and a baby bird. I know I won't remember exactly how I wrote it, and that really upsets me, nor will I attempt to write it again. Perhaps my universe is merely shrinking. It seems I am missing my wonderings about life; uncertainties have been replaced by mute facts indifferent to hopes of the future and past. I suppose my mind is settled on matters of business recently, and  I would rather complete tasks as I have time to complete them, and creative thought patterns sometimes require more effort than I have energy left for.
On a separate note, I hope visiting back up here is short. I'm already having allergy symptoms. Damned dryness. I want to be back in reasonably humid Sacramento.


Carry me...

There are times, I fear, that I suffer an odd affliction. Only a sensation, oddly; yet it that it should disturb me more than any illness I scarcely know why. The consciousness quakes, even for the simple cause of such a sensation. Though I mostly dare not speak of it, lest I be considered vain or fanciful. I have discovered it near impossible to watch acts of physical torture without reflecting a sensation of torture myself. The condition has improved, however slightly; for years I could not even bear to see such material in writing. Yet even today such a  physical response would arise in my flesh that it was at times unfathomable, as if my corpse were trying to unsuccessfully attempt severe agony, and instead relinquish to throes of sickness. The tremors which seem to imitate rushing blood under the skin of my bony wrists; they disgust me for their lack of disguise for I know my heart has not increased in tempo. The quiver of flesh falls shy to the sensation of rending, yet it persists until I desire to rend with my own human claws. There have been moments when the affected locale extends to other areas of my body represented in film. Thus it becomes even more of a torment than I am able to comprehend. I never scream for fear of embarrassment and ridicule. My plan usually consists of no more than averting my gaze from the picture, and applying pressure to stop the rushing. I still cannot say why exactly I experience the affliction, only theorize. Perhaps it is a psychosomatic symptom relating to a different matter regarding my psyche; perhaps it is my device to never allow my  own desensitization towards humanity, or even far-lost memories acquired from long before my infancy. Whatever the cause, the only option is to try and live reasonably. My only fear lies in its ability to control me.


I know it's from another place I posted on, but it was too interesting for me not to show somewhere else.

I saw a woman at a crosswalk today as we sat at a light on Howe. She seemed normal for a moment, though she looked slightly perturbed and upset. I almost expected her to start crying, but to my surprise she did begin to cry, as well as shout. She was dressed as I was today, actually. Black stretchy tank top, dark blue jeans, and sandals, carrying a clear Starbucks drink. She started shouting wildly, appearing to accuse someone who would have been standing somewhere between the ether around her to somewhere in the middle of traffic. It was soundless to me, of course, but I should have rolled down my window to hear her. I thought perhaps she was wearing a bluetooth and was yelling into it, but I saw no devices on either hear, and no phone in her hand. I dismissed her being crazy as a possibility as well; she didn't have that demeanor. It seemed as if she was trying to pour her heart out to someone she would never be able to speak to, or else pleading for spiritual guidance. Too late I thought about tossing her my ring; I didn't know why I had that instinct either, it's a precious possession of mine. I felt bad too that I had thought about it only as the light turned green. How could a ring help her anyway. Then I thought about it: My ring is silver, with a heart shaped into the center. Perhaps I had thought subconsciously to remind her somehow that there is love and caring in her life, even if it is only she who supplies it. Also, I had imbued it with my purpose recently, and thought perhaps it would do better to serve her purpose. I hope I see her again, so I can either give her the ring, or see her with a happier face.


Now then

To everyone who follows me(that is, positively NO ONE), I have an account with paganspace.net. I love it. :) I know I don't post on here often, or at all, really, but I still follow those I want to follow!! :D



Well, I don't have to worry about Sacramento anymore, I got accepted. <3 Now I just have to worry about getting the money to go to school down there. :P

On a side note, I had a dream last night about catching birds. They were extremely colorful and exotic looking , and would flap up for a few moments, then stop and drift back down, and repeat this over and over again until they would eventually reach the ceiling in my house. They seemed very content, and I enjoyed repeatedly catching them and letting them go again. Then I saw a tiny grey one, the size of a finch, and it was so precious and adorable that I wanted to catch it. I got distracted by a cat outside the window, but I let it in and it didn't disturb the birds, so I continued my pursuit. The little bird was moving similarly to the other birds, so I caught it pretty quickly, and when I opened my hands to let it go, it sat in my hands instead. I think it has something to do with how free I feel in relationships. The grey one probably symbolizes my most important one currently between Sam and I.


I'm a tooth-pick holder!!

That's what she said. :P So the every day post promise I gave has already been cut down, obviously. I thought about posting a very long-winded rant about the biggest fucking idiot I've ever met the other day, but after giving this long-winded rant in person about six times to different people, my brain decided it was tired of hearing about it. Maybe I'll post it some other day, you know, during one of those "I feel like laughing in retrospect to something completely ridiculous and worthless" kind of days. So, during a finals day. :P Or maybe midterms.

Also, I'm trying to find a job. And on this subject, I'm pretty sure every employer in Redding just met with each other and has come to the conclusion that I am not hirable. "For God's sake, she's 21 and has never been employed?" "I bet she's mentally retarded." "Wow, she's never available." "Well, it says on the application that she's in her fourth year of community college." "Well that means she's a loser, and probably has no ambition." "I'll bet it means she's leaving soon, and we don't want to put in time to hire someone else in six months." "She probably wants to be able to transfer, too." "Yeah, right!!"

They're all in cahoots, I know it. >.>



I think I've decided it's a good idea to try to post every day. Or at least every day I have something interesting to say. Which is not today, but it is good practice for me, I don't write much to myself anymore. Eh, talk to ya later. :P


By the way, I've had sooo many odd dreams recently. I think I should share some of them at some point, as a display of my crazy. Yes, I wrote that last phrase on purpose. And for fun. On a side-note, I love my hair. It's thick, dark, straight, longer, and heavy as hell, but the cool thing is that if I ever need my hair done/someone wants to play with it, they can do amazing things with it(Yeah they, I can't do hair). :P Also, organic Cheetos and Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper make pretty damn good snacks. Highly irregular snacks for me, but I also think my stomach would have protested to hummus at this hour.


It's been so goddamned long since I've posted anything on here. Though truthfully, I kind of wanted to forget it existed. To no avail. There is just too much good poetry and goodies from my tormented period to delete it. ;P I feel like anything I write, even utter bullshit, deserves a place of permanence in reality somewhere. Because they are my honest thoughts, no matter what. No one even has to see them, they just need to exist. :3