My brain seems to be screaming out with some sort of creative impulse. Though my thoughts are incomplete as to what form in will have or through which medium it should be. Aren't you supposed to have an idea of what you're doing before you start?? Something tells me I should just draw for a bit, see what spews forth. I have a feeling I will be up late tonight.


I have no idea what I want. I can't tell whether I love someone, or whether it's a matter of attraction for the wrong reasons, or its really just a passing fancy and that I really just like thinking about them, or if its all just an illusion based on expectations and a false perception that there is anyone out there aside from a few people that are actually worth my time. My attentions are currently spread in various and entirely useless directions, and I don't have the wherewithal to try to break out and pursue anyone. I guess that's the trouble, I naturally spread my attentions, but I spend my time around someone who is very possessive of the people who pay him attention, and though I want to break out, I have yet to really find someone whose positives outweigh all of his, to be worth it enough to say "I want to end our situation." And that's the trouble as well, I don't actually want to end what we had, but I can't live in that by itself. I have no clue what to expect now that he thinks I've slighted him, but I'm sure it will be unpleasant for at
least a little while.


Typically, before I ever get to putting words on a page, I've said most of what I was going to say a dozen or more times to myself. I was going to write some self-important drivel about inspiration and originality, but I'm going to stuff that for now. I'm in danger, or perhaps crisis of losing my best friend. All because I was not perceptive enough to ask permission, or at least let him know that I was going to make a little side trip, and that it happened to be with some friends of his as well. Now I'm suspect of running around and I'm losing a hell of a lot of privilege, which honestly probably should have happened sooner, but I don't want to lose the respect or understanding that I had with him.

 I have no idea what to do here. I've said I'm sorry, and that it's not what I want, but I don't particularly have a choice if he decides to cut off. I do wish he would figure out what the hell he actually wants, and tell me. It's amazing to see someone who doesn't believe in "love" or "relationships", but shits his logic degree when its clear he's reacting in a very emotional way.

Right now, I don't know what I need either, aside from a sedative.


More stressful and vivid dreams, more unrequited/complicated love, more crushing financial responsibility leaving me feeling paralyzed. I feel indescribable as of this moment. I want to run as much as I want to somehow instantly fix everything as much as I want to lay down and never get up again. I feel this become mostly a negative feelings purge journal. I suppose I need it. I feel lonely and cared for simultaneously. Everything around me is momentarily discomfiting. It will go away, and it will come back later. I'm slipping into depression again, and I need it to go away fast. I can feel myself struggling to stay away from it as I gauge and try to prioritize carefully my sleep, my diet, my activity level, and my daily planning/organization. It's difficult to be vigilant against something when its the very thing that makes you feel so fuzzy around the edges.


How can I be so happy to see that someone I love has found love, but just as heartbroken that I'm not in the picture?


Such a strange deja vu premonitory sequence played in my head, and it started with a video of Julee Cruise singing something from Twin Peaks.

I remember seeing the one comment, one like on my friend's status where it was posted, and trying to play the link but youtube wouldn't let me play it on mobile, though somewhere down the line my friend thanks me for saying anything because he feels like sometimes people don't care. Then as I'm browsing other videos Sam comes into my room to talk about my other romantic interests/concerns. He's obviously bothered by it at first, but we have a lengthy and honest discussion in my room.

And none of this has actually happened, but I felt as though part of it was supposed to when I was looking through the videos after following that link. I sometimes wonder about the finer workings of this universe.


I want to run away, but you can't really run away from grief. Even if I could, I can't afford to go much beyond my own apartment right now.

I fell for someone, much harder than I ever thought or expected I would. And they don't want me. Or at least, they don't want a relationship, and don't seem to think I'm high-commitment material anyways.

I feel like a prisoner in my own body right now. I can't even see them in person to talk to them right now because I lack the means, and they're...preoccupied.