A Cloudburst

I do feel like that song right now. It's indescribable what it can feel like when you sing when every bit of your energy, all of it going to just one moment. It seems like a large waste, but it's not. The sensation is literally like opening the sun for the first time on a dark world. Or your heart exploding into a rushing river to feed a barren land. Your entire being vibrates, your soul shudders to give the world a song, if only for that moment of pure, illuminating light.


A pause in action...

I'm finally finding out where I really stand in this new situation. X means a lot to me, much more than I thought, but I've been hard pressed to really place the emotion. It wasn't until about yesterday that it finally dawned on me how I felt with him. I accidentally let it slip to him how I felt, and I'm not sure how good of an idea it was at that moment. But I finally figured out that I feel about him the same way as if I had an older brother. I actually feel a certain level of comfort with him that can only be related with siblings, if only on a spiritual level. Whoever said soul mates had to be romantically involved? Except I had promised him that I'd try to give him a chance. However, if I can get the expression across to him, then perhaps...well, a couple of things could happen. But I hope for the best of whatever happens.



I feel myself slipping again, down into the crack. I can't let myself get there. I'm trying with all my focus to keep from slipping into depression again, rain or no rain. The person that's making me the most anxious right now is Dirk. It's not his fault, but he's somewhere near the bottom of the cliff, trying not to slip into the abyss because I let him fall there. And I'm clinging for dear life somewhere along the middle because we both leaped blindly.

I don't even know if he's still alive. The very thought makes me want to keel over in grief. But to what end? I love him, but I know it will cause me nothing but pain. And yet I'm still addicted to his very essence. Seeing his face in my mind just makes my body pull magnetically to the unseen source. It hurts. I can't stand it!! How can I ever possibly come close to putting the pieces back together with him?? I can't try to put together a broken relationship. I don't want the old relationship back. If I were to have him back at all, I'd want something new and unshakable. But first, I want him to be free, and if that's all I can do, then so be it.


So confused

I've no clue what to do right now. I wish I wasn't so approachable sometimes. It seems that if I spend too much time with any one man, they end up falling for me, whether they're single or in a relationship. I have a couple of people, who despite the fact they say they are not pursuing me, are pursuing me still in thought and action. I don't know what to do. Their feelings are pretty firm, I know, but how do I tell them I'm not romantically interested? They'd still feel the same, I'm sure, but I don't know if I should stay around either of them too much.

Fuck, I'm really starting to get how Dirk felt. Wow, I actually said his name. This is heart-wrenching for me. But I have to say it somewhere straight out instead of with endless poetry that only circles around the problem. I miss him. I miss him in a way that would make a normal person's brain explode. I feel like Susan in Wuthering Heights, how she felt about Heathcliff. I feel like I understand who he is, what he is, without actually knowing much about him. I want to love him selfishly, like I did a few months ago. But there's a newly functioning part of my brain that won't allow that anymore. I have to be stronger than that, or my mind won't pull through.

Sometimes I wish I had the lack of physical self control that applies to some other people have. I'm too sane in some aspects. I can never throw something even when I want to because I know I'd have to pay for the damages. I know even before I hurt myself that it's really just pointless and destructive behavior. And even when I do something reeaally stupid like have an affair, I know I can stop anytime and that I really shouldn't be anywhere close to the situation, I just want to act like a stupid, normal, impulsive person.

Sometimes I do it just because I don't want to care. However, it's gotten me in trouble because I've never been able to express frustration and anger and now I'm an adult and it's not okay to do that anymore. Now I need to use control to my benefit. He removed his blog probably after finding out in horror that I'm on here. I'm so stupid for leaving a comment for him. He still wants nothing to do with me, but I couldn't help myself because I'm an attention whore. I knew I shouldn't have left it, but I did anyways. He's already a very upset person in terms of emotional, mental, and physical forms. I don't need to make things worse for him. Did I really need to send him gifts? I mean, the money might help, but I had to personalize it. It'll probably just upset him more. I don't know what I can do to make him happy. I don't think I can ever make him happy. It's not really my place, and yet I'm still trying.

He just worries me.



And what a difficult feeling it is. Some who feel vulnerable automatically bare teeth and claws, either because of a result of their environment, or because they don't understand the emotion. Others are irritated, but try to grin and bear it if only on the surface, while trying to find a defensive position. A few will sit calmly and sip their tea, knowing what will happen and wait patiently even as it gnashes at their backs. I'm trying for the last option. I'm not even sure why I feel vulnerable, not yet. But I need to emulate calm and strength, not just appear it.

There's one thing I do know though. He is my weakness. I can't listen to my dreams anymore, because all they show are him getting hurt, dying, or just suffering. These images want me to pull a loan from grandparents and flee to Georgia just to make sure he stays safe. I can't do that. I know I have better self control than that, and I need to display it. At the same time I feel a need to protect him, but I need to continue to do it from afar. The man needs a chance at life, and I'd be willing to die to make it happen.

On another note, it seems I'm changing my perspective on things again. It happens from time to time. Usually I just become too stagnant instead of steadfast in my beliefs. I stop learning, and my window becomes narrow. Actually, some of my positions on major issues have changed from just a few months ago, or at least, I'm unsure now. I don't enjoy the feeling when I begin to disconnect from the world. I still sometimes feel as if I'm observing more than partaking, but I have to reach out from my corner sometimes. I can't be bitter from depression. I can't let myself fall into depression, not anymore. I feel within me a spiritual strength now, something that keeps me from giving in to my negative emotions so much. I think I'm going to need it frequently.



I feel a bit more free, I'll admit. Not just because of the breakup either. My body feels more energized and I more vivacious than in a long, long time. Sometimes I wish I could give some of my strength to others. I know some who really need it. It's in my mind too, and my spirit. Emotions don't take over and warp my vision as they used to. I'm changing rapidly, and definitely for the better. I still love the same things, the same people, and my personality is still relatively the same. But brighter, and I wish I could share it or at least rub off a little bit on others. Hehe. My sense of humor hasn't changed much either. :P


The Last Ragged Breath...

I finished my final draft, and I think I actually got my point across this time. Oddly enough though, I don't feel like sharing it on here. Guess I'm just afraid of bad juju. However, I think I'll wait until the magic hour to send it off, to make sure I can send it off while he's asleep and I don't end up getting an enraged phone call this late in the evening.

I'm honestly a bit afraid of what will happen after this, but I do know that once the letter is sent I'll be caught in a flood of relief.And I don't think I'll be getting involved with anyone for a little bit. I'll need the space and focus for other things.

...perhaps I should change my passwords, too, just in case.


That last letter sucked. No matter what I write though, it feels imperative that I do it tonight. I need to be strong, and vigilant in my convictions. He's still a dear friend, no matter what, but I can't let him be the ruler of my life. I've outgrown him. I have more pressing matters, and can't allow him to be my attention whore. He doesn't even believe I'm capable of making a good deision. About anything. It's like he's always saying, "How cute, she's trying to be independent."
NO. I'm smarter than I might look, and there's lot I've changed about myself recently. But of course he'll think I'm "still the same girly-girl". I can't say my personality has really changed, but the way I handle things certainly has. This is, I will admit, the first time I've ever been pissed at a boyfriend. Soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. Wish me luck.


Revised Letter

Fuck. Why can't I ever think of what all there is to say the first time?

Dear Ben,

This is difficult to do. I don't like to disturb peace, but it's only surface peace. There's a reason I can't involve myself with you in bed anymore. There's a reason I'm so hesitant about certain things. I've really tried, but I can't find the connection. I thought about trying to wait until later, but then you'd just feel like you were lied to. I can't say this will end well, or maybe I should disappear from the picture for a while, if you still want me as a friend. A few weeks may not feel like enough time for you, but it's been an eternity for me. I can't do it, and it's sapping my willpower to continue to fake this. I'm sorry.


From the dark

The man is dark, mostly.
He lives, submerging himself in shadow,
already so confined in it.

He wanders the horizons of a restless mind,
whispering quick memories
into an ear that longs only for a word.

If there be one place in him that still holds light,
it is his eyes.
Every time I see his eyes,
I want to scream with grief.

Because seen there are what feels like
centuries of pain.
Abandonment, depression, hopelessness
all in a deep void
that sucks even the strongest of men.

He's been through it,
seen the other side,
perhaps even considers embracing it,
for it's all he knows.

His eyes pierce my soul,
his body radiant in essence,
his heart in all likeliness,
is fragrant, but torn.

His mind is tough
but ever an insomniac,
his soul is a duality
both illuminating and dark.

This man of shadow cannot be shadow for too much longer.


Practice Letter

Dear Ben,

I'm starting to realize what you are to me. I'm honestly trying, wanting to give the relationship another shot. But I'm finding out very quickly, probably too quickly for you, that I'm not finding the connection anymore. I still love you, but when I say it, it may not be in the way that you think. Less romantic, I'm sure. I'm still trying, but I feel disconnected. I'm not sure this is going to work.

If things turn out better, then I apologize for this letter. If they don't, I just hope you can let me go. I know how hard it is to do something like that, which is why I've been so hesitant. Please understand.

I haven't figured what to put for the closing yet.


Apparently a robin hit the wall at school, because one of the girls in my theory class ran up and said there was a dead bird on the sidewalk and how gross it was. So me and a friend decided to go outside and look.

It was a beautiful, poor red-breasted robin. It laid on it's stomache with it's face on it's side. A lady who walked by and told us she took in a lot of birds grabbed a leaf and moved the bird by the tail into the patch of bushes and dead leaves so that it wasn't on the sidewalk.

Poor bird. It didn't look very old.