I have no idea what I want. I can't tell whether I love someone, or whether it's a matter of attraction for the wrong reasons, or its really just a passing fancy and that I really just like thinking about them, or if its all just an illusion based on expectations and a false perception that there is anyone out there aside from a few people that are actually worth my time. My attentions are currently spread in various and entirely useless directions, and I don't have the wherewithal to try to break out and pursue anyone. I guess that's the trouble, I naturally spread my attentions, but I spend my time around someone who is very possessive of the people who pay him attention, and though I want to break out, I have yet to really find someone whose positives outweigh all of his, to be worth it enough to say "I want to end our situation." And that's the trouble as well, I don't actually want to end what we had, but I can't live in that by itself. I have no clue what to expect now that he thinks I've slighted him, but I'm sure it will be unpleasant for at
least a little while.


Typically, before I ever get to putting words on a page, I've said most of what I was going to say a dozen or more times to myself. I was going to write some self-important drivel about inspiration and originality, but I'm going to stuff that for now. I'm in danger, or perhaps crisis of losing my best friend. All because I was not perceptive enough to ask permission, or at least let him know that I was going to make a little side trip, and that it happened to be with some friends of his as well. Now I'm suspect of running around and I'm losing a hell of a lot of privilege, which honestly probably should have happened sooner, but I don't want to lose the respect or understanding that I had with him.

 I have no idea what to do here. I've said I'm sorry, and that it's not what I want, but I don't particularly have a choice if he decides to cut off. I do wish he would figure out what the hell he actually wants, and tell me. It's amazing to see someone who doesn't believe in "love" or "relationships", but shits his logic degree when its clear he's reacting in a very emotional way.

Right now, I don't know what I need either, aside from a sedative.