Le Crap

My head is screaming at me. I think it's from my wisdom teeth finally coming in. I'm getting lockjaw every night from it. Rocky time again!! Woohoo. And I found my camera's battery charger so I can actually use it again!! My dreams just get stranger and stranger. I dreamt that Dirk invited me to visit him, but when I did, there were things about the visit that just weren't right. He was not an illusion, but things like his house, and his mother were. He seemed to know that they were illusions as well, but chose to play the part of ignorance. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it.


Down in a Hole

It's much more shallow, to be sure. I'm not so deep in it that I can't get out, but I'd like to sit there a little longer. It's more like the memory. Part of me never wants to lose what was felt there. I'm feeling reminiscent today, a little sad, not overbearingly so. It's a bittersweetness. By the by, coffee tastes good when cooled down by strawberry Yoohoo. Me and my friends are going to Rocky this weekend. I'm making Matt dress up. Muahahaha.

I also watched this awful B-flick last night called the Evil Bong. Don't ever watch it, it's horrible.


Spring Frolic :D

Today I sat in my spare time next to a pretty little pond and brook at the college. I was admiring the little pieces of fluff that floated dreamily from cattails in the pond. Upon further inspection of the pond, I found that there were actually several young koi fish in it. A friend was kind enough to get me one of the cattails from the pond, and I found that upon pinching off a small amount of a cattail and releasing it, I instantly felt a warm sensation on my hand as the pinch separated into thousands of fluffy seeds. I watched as they spread out exactly like the thousand-petaled lotus. I also kept believing I was viewing rainbows in the sky where there was nothing at all, which is just odd. I'm not high, I swear. Today was an interesting day.
Though, it's a little easier to enjoy nature since my rose-tinted glasses have cracked. I understand now that my opinion does not have to fall in line with anyone else's, and that if I'm unsure about something, I do not have to take a position. Nor do I have to display an opinion at all. I will be frank. I don't care about politics. I don't care about the earth's problems. It sounds callous, but people of the earth will always create and solve their own problems. I only care about what affects me, and even then I may not deem it important to myself. Why should I bother with something that is none of my business? I don't like to be responsible in government, even if it just means performing civil duties. I don't like government, but unfortunately its the only way most people can get along. I'm finding more and more that I'm not fond of people. Period. Save the few who can understand what I feel. But I think I'm going to have to spend more time around people, so I'll keep going. I'll always keep going, but I'll never forget him.


Night. Night.
The sky's darkness reigns.
All of them will leave to sleep,
to dream of the night.
Where does the real world end,
to enter the realm of night?
Tiny piercings light the sky,
tiny piercings light the infinite.
An orb calmly illuminates the ground,
blurring the line between light and dark.
Alive is the mind of the blue-black sky.
Alive are the pieces in it.
The soul shines the brightest in moonlight,
and even the darkest of Night.



I'm a little happier today, or at least distracted by music. There are some times I'm very glad I get distracted easily. I think I should get back into playing some sort of instrument. I've already volunteered to play percussion in the Youth symphony directed by my theory teacher. I thought about either continuing that next year, or joining strings class to learn the violin or viola. You only stop learning when you stop trying to learn. Turns out my actual head voice is very weak because I always mix registers...I gotta fix that. I met someone today that looked a bit like Dirk in the face. It scared me for a second, the guy was a paraplegic. But he only looked similar. The guy was pretty nice too. God...I need to do something with my head. Really.



That's it. I'm broken, and I don't know how to fix it. Or rather, I know how to fix it and I can't afford the cure.

"It's the best thing that you ever had, the best thing that you ever had has gone away."

I remember when he used to sing it to me. Have I really got nothing better on my mind? I feel like smashing my head into a wall. I'll live my life, but to what end? I feel ungrateful that I don't care about politics, or war, or the economy, or a thousand things that are so much bigger than I. The new objective is to not feel any lower than I already do. Damn the world's problems. I can't even take care of one person.

"I don't belong here." Thanks Radiohead, I'm glad someone can paraphrase the way I feel like shit. Fuck.



I hear thunder. It's not from outside, just a recording, but I still recognize the way my body reacts to it. Most people are afraid of the sound of thunder. I revel in it. It is my only connection to the sky from the ground where I must merely stand. Nature's voice itself calls to me. The vibration, when lightning is near, awakens the core of my body and echoes throughout, forcing my insides to convulse a bit. The sonic boom after the vibrant flash seems to become what I live for, that very moment. The pouring rain that follows embodies my passion for nature's small events.


Lingering Shadows

I'm still obsessed, and I know it. Am I absolutely crazy? No one should still feel this way four months later. Absolutely delusional. It's like I'm still...waiting. Waiting until the day he comes back, but it's never going to happen. I'm not even sure that I want it to happen. I shouldn't be awarded for my delusions.
I can't love anyone else. I won't allow myself to. I socialize, I'm friendly, I spend one-on-one time with friends. But I'm detached. Everything is felt at only half-capacity. Someone told me to move on and leave him in the past. I got so upset I began to shake. I haven't felt anything that powerful in a long time. Anytime I try to forget him, or do the opposite and let him drift in my thoughts, I feel a tendon pull at my heart, hard. I still feel guilty, too. He told me never to speak to him again. I should follow at least that one demand from him. I wish I could talk to him again, one day. I'm just scared. He always seemed so fragile, and I always manhandled him.

What the hell am I going to do?


Boredom prevails

I know I already have plenty todo in my schedule, but I feel I still need another cretive outlet. Something that isn't restricted by time. Something that includes life experiences. I've been pondering over this little booklet I've been wanting to make. I'll call it, "The Recipe Book for Broke Folk". I have more college friends who, besides the falling economy, already have less than $50 in their pocketbook for food. I would use some of my own discovered recipes, and gladly use other's submissions(under their names, of course). I should start compiling an essential shopping list. I think this will be both fun and helpful to those around me(and probably to me in the future).


Force of Nature

Today I watched the sky in longing. Either the clouds are coming closer with each passing day, or I just want to be closer to them. It stormed off and on again today, providing several moments where the clouds would separate by the force of the wind, revealing patches of dark blue sky. I thought at first I was looking into cosmos, even though it was early afternoon. I forget sometimes how vivid and surreal this place can be. Perhaps I was just sidetracked for a while. But the scenery today made me wish with my spiritual being that I could fly. I'm sure I'm not the only person who wants it. The trees sang to me as well, something I've only heard recently. Call me what you will, whichever nonperson that reads this. I could be insane, or perhaps disconnecting from reality. Maybe I just have a heightened sense of respect for nature. Whatever. I've learned that I don't have to let anything affect me if I don't want it too.