Lingering Shadows

I'm still obsessed, and I know it. Am I absolutely crazy? No one should still feel this way four months later. Absolutely delusional. It's like I'm still...waiting. Waiting until the day he comes back, but it's never going to happen. I'm not even sure that I want it to happen. I shouldn't be awarded for my delusions.
I can't love anyone else. I won't allow myself to. I socialize, I'm friendly, I spend one-on-one time with friends. But I'm detached. Everything is felt at only half-capacity. Someone told me to move on and leave him in the past. I got so upset I began to shake. I haven't felt anything that powerful in a long time. Anytime I try to forget him, or do the opposite and let him drift in my thoughts, I feel a tendon pull at my heart, hard. I still feel guilty, too. He told me never to speak to him again. I should follow at least that one demand from him. I wish I could talk to him again, one day. I'm just scared. He always seemed so fragile, and I always manhandled him.

What the hell am I going to do?

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