12/27/09

Anxious

I know it's only a possibility in a handful of possibilities at this point, but I can't overlook the fact that I could very well be pregnant. I've heard it could possibly be other, hormone-based problems, but considering that there was an incident, and I don't have a history of hormone fluctuations, I just don't know. I won't panic, I've got enough self control to keep that from happening.

12/21/09

Yule

Ah, lightning on the night of Winter Solstice. What better energetic combination? :3

10/6/09

Prose Poetry ftw

In the languorous curves of a liquid universe, Nyx thrives in the sleep of a primordial darkness, shimmering under a starry blanket of hair that spreads out in smooth tendrils. The space takes a variety of landscapes from her hair. The gossamer of music gently awakens her form, yet quickly stirs her soul, causing the thick viscous space about her to churn and twinkle with vibrant quality. From this, light is brought forth, yet the nature of the surrounding nothingness is neither less prominent, nor is it altered. It is a substance found in massive quantities, yet completely insubstantial in and of itself.

7/13/09

It's Been a While...

The earth rotates ever so slowly, again and again I feel the sting and warmth of the summer sun; let the breeze and silver of night caress me. Amazing how the simplest of things can both ease pain and intensify it simultaneously, until you're left back at square one. The tethers I've created around me may help throughout my life, but they also prevent me from keeping a relationship. I still love you, but I have at least locked you away for now, where even I cannot bother you. I still don't quite understand why you are that precious to me. I would like to call you my twin flame, if that's not being too arrogant. However, if that is truth, then I must be confident that we will one day meet again, under better circumstances. However, my mission for now must be to stick to the material plane.

6/24/09

The Poem

Don't stop to listen
just keep walking by
photographs and memories
keep the dead nearby

Like telemarketers and bills
she just can't leave him alone
she thinks of life beyond those hills,
beyond those hills, far from her home.

Somewhere east he seeks a new life,
Somehow wading west,
she knows it isn't for her sake,
but knows it's for the best.

His body pounds through the ether,
she knows he's still trying,
she can't help, but holds a silent vigil
sitting, but not prying.

How long can this happen,
this tenuous spiritual pressure she feels?
Sporadic and dangerous still is the love,
afraid of the damage she can deal.

Stay near, my heart, I cannot hold thee now. It is only for another I can live, I vow.
How can she repair it?
How can she repair it?

6/16/09

Energized :D

More than I have been in a great while. Summer had put my mind and spirit in a haze. But now I am back, and utilizing tools the way they ought to be. I must remember to use my past experiences to keep me from making the same mistakes, and use my emotions to fuel my power instead of dragging me down. I must be in control, lest I be taken advantage of. There are times often when I am not willing to be strong, but I must remain in control of myself. I will be a spirit warrior, when the time comes. I must stop doubting so much. I know there are more than just the few of us now. Unity is imperative, as is spiritual growth. Only time and practice will tell, but I must focus now. I will always love you, but I have a lifelong mission to complete, and I am far behind.

6/6/09

Frustration with a capital Fuck!!!

It has to end soon, it has to. This is one of those moments where I feel like falling to my knees and taking the earth within my grasp, only to shake it violently and scream into it,"What's wrong with me?!?!" And no one will have an answer, not even the spirits. Of course, I won't do that; I refuse to go down so quickly. I can be fine in one moment, but the instant a stream of his consciousness comes into mind, I'm holding back tears in public because of the guilt it seems I'm paying for everyday, not to mention feeling ungrateful that Ben is trying to stick with it all the way because he can't let go of me for how he feels either, and also frustration with him that he keeps trying and it just seems like I'm falling deeper into debt. I never thought I would view love as a debt to pay. Yet I feel obligated to do something, but the price he's asking is something I'll never be able to pay. One string from another world still bonds me from the rest of mine.

6/4/09

Disquieting Silence.

Quiet. The spirit is quiet; I'm too tired to fight for now. The hurt is not yet gone, but is subdued for now, until I can think of a better "plan". Yesterday I could not cry, so the rain did it for me. I stood outside in the dark and the rain, letting the rich, hot, and damp clay aroma waft up to me while my eyes looked up and let rain drops fall directly into them. It didn't even hurt. I even giggled. I need to smile more, but I can't act a smile anymore. I stopped caring. I need a way to become truly happy. I'm starting to look older because I can't lift the weight of my own face.

A wave, and then
Another.
A sharp desire,
A drifting
Longing.
A white Sensation,
leaves him weak.
Warmth.
Return soon.
Survival is not
A
Guarantee.
But,
Passion is
Passion is
Torture.
A Touch.
Is all I
Ask.
Still
Selfish.
Am I?
I'm Lost.

5/23/09

Losing...

The mind is more absorbed every day. It frustrates me to be able to think of nothing more than him, like an unhealthy obsession. I'd be almost positive it is one by this point, if it weren't for the entire purpose of this. And I'm not violent or overzealous enough to fit the part. I just feel plagued by what feels like unfinished business. I know that if I don't hear anything from him by a certain point in time, I can continue planning the trip, but that somehow does nothing to calm my spirit. I'd rather hear anything from him, even a sharp rebuke, instead of trying to plan for something entirely tumultuous and uncertain. A couple of dreams ago I saw him again, laying by my side as what often pops into my dreams before I awaken. But instead of the normal, painful imagined intimacy, he was whispering, consolingly but still somewhat urgently into my ear. I could not make out what he was trying to say, as if it were too quiet and I too far away, or perhaps in another tongue I could not comprehend. I'm not sure exactly what the dream means, if anything. I feel like curling up into a ball and quitting. I quit too easily, and I set myself up for failure often. Let us hope I hear something soon.

5/18/09

Just a Letter

Just one message can bring down the "world" you have set up around you. I still don't know if it was a good idea to send it. I'm waiting to see now if there will be a return message that either tears down moe of my world, or builds it up. I feel like I'm getting close to ground zero. Perhaps I really don't deserve forgiveness. Maybe I deserve to have our worlds separated forever. It's painful, it's painful. It's painful.

5/3/09

Losing it...

My patience is failing me. I'm not sure how long I can take the stress until it starts affecting my body. It already does, to a lesser extent. It's difficult to remain optimistic. It's not negative energy, it's just turmoil. It feels like only a matter of time before I finally just walk out the door, all the way to Georgia. Everything in me is too restless here. I'm trying to respect his wishes, I am. This sucks!! I can't wait until summer. Then I can see what I really want to do.

5/1/09

Good News

I sent in an application to become a Suicide Girl last night, and well, it was accepted!! :D It looks like a fun opportunity for me to model and be myself in front of the camera. I'm looking forward to it. IF you don't know much about the site, you can go to suicidegirls.com. Ja!!

4/30/09

Wonderment

Yeah, I finally exploded again today. It's okay, I wanted to be sure I had someone there to make me recover. I don't like doing that when I'm alone, it makes me feel worse sometimes. I found a song that kinda sums up how I feel. By the Smashing Pumpkins, yay!! ^-^
Stand Inside Your Love

You and me
Meant to be
Immutable
Impossible
It's destiny
Pure lunacy
Incalculable
Insufferable
But for the last time
You're everything that I want and ask for
You're all that I'd dreamed
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love
Protected and the lover of
A pure soul and beautiful you
Don't understand
Don't feel me now
I will breathe
For the both of us
Travel the world
Traverse the skies
Your home is here
Within my heart
And for the first time
I feel as though I am reborn
In my mind
Recast as child and mystic sage
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love
And for the first time
I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for
Your every move and waking sound
In my time
I'll wrap my wire around your heart and your mind
You're mine forever now
Who wouldn't be the one you love and live for
Who wouldn't stand inside your love and die for
Who wouldn't be the one you love

4/28/09

Planes

Had a dream last night. I was sitting in the cafeteria, and my friend Brent and I were getting fragments of a vision, so we decided to try and channel through each other to get a clearer picture. As soon as we grabbed hands, we began receiving a message from a being from another plane of existence. His name was either Ciera or Ceria. He then showed us the plane on which he lived, and why he had been trying to contact Brent. It was an odd dream, definitely.

Torture

I fucking hate this. The feeling I get whenever I think I'm making progress. I've been trying to suppress an attack all evening. I always lull myself into a false sense of security, and then my skin becomes transparent again. I know its better to solve a problem rather than cover it, but there's nothing I can solve right now!! There's no change in how I feel about him, not in the six months it's been since I heard from him directly. Yeah, I explode less, and that's good, but every time I do I feel as if I'm coming closer to a breaking point. Much like my soul is being pulled different ways so as to tear it to pieces. Too dramatic? That's the only way I can really explain the feeling. I can't think about him without feeling some type of pain, physical or otherwise. Fucking frustrating!!! Nothing helps, I've tried moving on, and any time I step foot into a relationship, I feel guilty for not keeping this horrible vigil, and that I may just be setting myself up for failure, and I'm correct. I have to stay distant from my romantic interests now to keep from hurting them because of my condition. Because in reality, they're only band-aids, poor diluted substitutes of the heroin-love I so desperately need. WHO IS THIS PERSON TO ME?!?! I can't possibly continue to feel this way for some other schmo I dated, I know. I feel so heavy, molded from lead. What can I do? I'm lost again...just want to be calm again.

4/25/09

Depressed, Regressed, and Stressed

Another dream. I was traveling with my family when all of a sudden this huge storm showed up in the distance, and we had to stop somewhere and cancel the rest of our trip. Turns out it was a shadow-storm, so me and my friend Xander were the only people who could possibly enter the storm, find the source, and destroy it. I don't remember much of actually walking through it though, only that we entered it. I figured out fluorite is good for amplifying certain images in dreams, especially if they are prophetic in nature. And getting rid of anxieties while sleeping. I don't think I've slept that long in a while. I feel so tired all the time, and my self-confidence is nearly zilch. I keep seeing an image of a person I'm supposed to meet, a very important person, and I've yet to see a shred of evidence that she even exists. The crystal I bought is actually destined for her, and if I don't find her relatively soon, I'm even crazier than I thought. I'm also getting messages in a mish-mosh of languages I don't even understand, and yet I can pick out pieces of phrase from them. I think they're songs, that's what my mentors have figured at least. If I'm really a siren like they say, it would make sense. I'm trying not to doubt myself, but it's difficult when I don't have a well-developed spirit-sight to match my "talents". I'm also finally catching glimpses of my only past life. It was painful, I know for at least the last few years. She only lived to be 27, at the most. I should be a bit happier to find out these things, but right now I'm just...tired. The sphynx in me doesn't mind receiving messages in a cryptic way, but I don't have the patience to wait for things I can't grasp yet. Do I have to grow old?

4/23/09

Finally

New dream, because that's the first purpose of this thing anyways. I'm having headaches almost daily again, and not always from my jaw. Had an interesting dream that me and a couple of friends were visiting San Francisco(makes sense, I was there last Friday). Well, anyways, by the end of the day my equivalent of a step-brother was going to try committing suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. We were told to stay away from the situation, which they got under control. I then found myself in a hotel room after a time, when I got a call, which I didn't answer right away but let the machine get because there was no caller ID. When the machine started recording, I heard a voice I recognized but couldn't place who it was. I remember he was a little taunting and mocking, so I answered, a bit irritated at his words(that I can't remember). He continued to talk to me, obviously knowing I would pick up the phone. It was as if he was trying to warn me of something, or strike a deal with me, and I tried to deny him, but I was still intrigued.

4/5/09

Smashin' teh Face in...

Am I seriously losing it? I'm trying to forget, or at least dull the pain of remembering, no easy task. But lately when I think of him, which is still often, I see him in my mind, and then the moment become so lifelike that it feels as if he's standing in front of me. It catches me off guard.
I want to tear out my hair. It's frustrating to have memories to toy with me like that. I wonder if he feels the same way. More funny/strange dreams, but I'll iterate later.

3/27/09

Le Crap

My head is screaming at me. I think it's from my wisdom teeth finally coming in. I'm getting lockjaw every night from it. Rocky time again!! Woohoo. And I found my camera's battery charger so I can actually use it again!! My dreams just get stranger and stranger. I dreamt that Dirk invited me to visit him, but when I did, there were things about the visit that just weren't right. He was not an illusion, but things like his house, and his mother were. He seemed to know that they were illusions as well, but chose to play the part of ignorance. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it.

3/23/09

Down in a Hole

It's much more shallow, to be sure. I'm not so deep in it that I can't get out, but I'd like to sit there a little longer. It's more like the memory. Part of me never wants to lose what was felt there. I'm feeling reminiscent today, a little sad, not overbearingly so. It's a bittersweetness. By the by, coffee tastes good when cooled down by strawberry Yoohoo. Me and my friends are going to Rocky this weekend. I'm making Matt dress up. Muahahaha.

I also watched this awful B-flick last night called the Evil Bong. Don't ever watch it, it's horrible.

3/20/09

Spring Frolic :D

Today I sat in my spare time next to a pretty little pond and brook at the college. I was admiring the little pieces of fluff that floated dreamily from cattails in the pond. Upon further inspection of the pond, I found that there were actually several young koi fish in it. A friend was kind enough to get me one of the cattails from the pond, and I found that upon pinching off a small amount of a cattail and releasing it, I instantly felt a warm sensation on my hand as the pinch separated into thousands of fluffy seeds. I watched as they spread out exactly like the thousand-petaled lotus. I also kept believing I was viewing rainbows in the sky where there was nothing at all, which is just odd. I'm not high, I swear. Today was an interesting day.
Though, it's a little easier to enjoy nature since my rose-tinted glasses have cracked. I understand now that my opinion does not have to fall in line with anyone else's, and that if I'm unsure about something, I do not have to take a position. Nor do I have to display an opinion at all. I will be frank. I don't care about politics. I don't care about the earth's problems. It sounds callous, but people of the earth will always create and solve their own problems. I only care about what affects me, and even then I may not deem it important to myself. Why should I bother with something that is none of my business? I don't like to be responsible in government, even if it just means performing civil duties. I don't like government, but unfortunately its the only way most people can get along. I'm finding more and more that I'm not fond of people. Period. Save the few who can understand what I feel. But I think I'm going to have to spend more time around people, so I'll keep going. I'll always keep going, but I'll never forget him.

Night

Night. Night.
The sky's darkness reigns.
All of them will leave to sleep,
to dream of the night.
Where does the real world end,
to enter the realm of night?
Tiny piercings light the sky,
tiny piercings light the infinite.
An orb calmly illuminates the ground,
blurring the line between light and dark.
Alive is the mind of the blue-black sky.
Alive are the pieces in it.
The soul shines the brightest in moonlight,
and even the darkest of Night.

3/19/09

Lyrical

I'm a little happier today, or at least distracted by music. There are some times I'm very glad I get distracted easily. I think I should get back into playing some sort of instrument. I've already volunteered to play percussion in the Youth symphony directed by my theory teacher. I thought about either continuing that next year, or joining strings class to learn the violin or viola. You only stop learning when you stop trying to learn. Turns out my actual head voice is very weak because I always mix registers...I gotta fix that. I met someone today that looked a bit like Dirk in the face. It scared me for a second, the guy was a paraplegic. But he only looked similar. The guy was pretty nice too. God...I need to do something with my head. Really.

3/17/09

Broken

That's it. I'm broken, and I don't know how to fix it. Or rather, I know how to fix it and I can't afford the cure.

"It's the best thing that you ever had, the best thing that you ever had has gone away."

I remember when he used to sing it to me. Have I really got nothing better on my mind? I feel like smashing my head into a wall. I'll live my life, but to what end? I feel ungrateful that I don't care about politics, or war, or the economy, or a thousand things that are so much bigger than I. The new objective is to not feel any lower than I already do. Damn the world's problems. I can't even take care of one person.

"I don't belong here." Thanks Radiohead, I'm glad someone can paraphrase the way I feel like shit. Fuck.

3/15/09

Echo

I hear thunder. It's not from outside, just a recording, but I still recognize the way my body reacts to it. Most people are afraid of the sound of thunder. I revel in it. It is my only connection to the sky from the ground where I must merely stand. Nature's voice itself calls to me. The vibration, when lightning is near, awakens the core of my body and echoes throughout, forcing my insides to convulse a bit. The sonic boom after the vibrant flash seems to become what I live for, that very moment. The pouring rain that follows embodies my passion for nature's small events.

3/12/09

Lingering Shadows

I'm still obsessed, and I know it. Am I absolutely crazy? No one should still feel this way four months later. Absolutely delusional. It's like I'm still...waiting. Waiting until the day he comes back, but it's never going to happen. I'm not even sure that I want it to happen. I shouldn't be awarded for my delusions.
I can't love anyone else. I won't allow myself to. I socialize, I'm friendly, I spend one-on-one time with friends. But I'm detached. Everything is felt at only half-capacity. Someone told me to move on and leave him in the past. I got so upset I began to shake. I haven't felt anything that powerful in a long time. Anytime I try to forget him, or do the opposite and let him drift in my thoughts, I feel a tendon pull at my heart, hard. I still feel guilty, too. He told me never to speak to him again. I should follow at least that one demand from him. I wish I could talk to him again, one day. I'm just scared. He always seemed so fragile, and I always manhandled him.

What the hell am I going to do?

3/7/09

Boredom prevails

I know I already have plenty todo in my schedule, but I feel I still need another cretive outlet. Something that isn't restricted by time. Something that includes life experiences. I've been pondering over this little booklet I've been wanting to make. I'll call it, "The Recipe Book for Broke Folk". I have more college friends who, besides the falling economy, already have less than $50 in their pocketbook for food. I would use some of my own discovered recipes, and gladly use other's submissions(under their names, of course). I should start compiling an essential shopping list. I think this will be both fun and helpful to those around me(and probably to me in the future).

3/3/09

Force of Nature

Today I watched the sky in longing. Either the clouds are coming closer with each passing day, or I just want to be closer to them. It stormed off and on again today, providing several moments where the clouds would separate by the force of the wind, revealing patches of dark blue sky. I thought at first I was looking into cosmos, even though it was early afternoon. I forget sometimes how vivid and surreal this place can be. Perhaps I was just sidetracked for a while. But the scenery today made me wish with my spiritual being that I could fly. I'm sure I'm not the only person who wants it. The trees sang to me as well, something I've only heard recently. Call me what you will, whichever nonperson that reads this. I could be insane, or perhaps disconnecting from reality. Maybe I just have a heightened sense of respect for nature. Whatever. I've learned that I don't have to let anything affect me if I don't want it too.

2/28/09

A Cloudburst

I do feel like that song right now. It's indescribable what it can feel like when you sing when every bit of your energy, all of it going to just one moment. It seems like a large waste, but it's not. The sensation is literally like opening the sun for the first time on a dark world. Or your heart exploding into a rushing river to feed a barren land. Your entire being vibrates, your soul shudders to give the world a song, if only for that moment of pure, illuminating light.

2/21/09

A pause in action...

I'm finally finding out where I really stand in this new situation. X means a lot to me, much more than I thought, but I've been hard pressed to really place the emotion. It wasn't until about yesterday that it finally dawned on me how I felt with him. I accidentally let it slip to him how I felt, and I'm not sure how good of an idea it was at that moment. But I finally figured out that I feel about him the same way as if I had an older brother. I actually feel a certain level of comfort with him that can only be related with siblings, if only on a spiritual level. Whoever said soul mates had to be romantically involved? Except I had promised him that I'd try to give him a chance. However, if I can get the expression across to him, then perhaps...well, a couple of things could happen. But I hope for the best of whatever happens.

2/16/09

Landslide

I feel myself slipping again, down into the crack. I can't let myself get there. I'm trying with all my focus to keep from slipping into depression again, rain or no rain. The person that's making me the most anxious right now is Dirk. It's not his fault, but he's somewhere near the bottom of the cliff, trying not to slip into the abyss because I let him fall there. And I'm clinging for dear life somewhere along the middle because we both leaped blindly.

I don't even know if he's still alive. The very thought makes me want to keel over in grief. But to what end? I love him, but I know it will cause me nothing but pain. And yet I'm still addicted to his very essence. Seeing his face in my mind just makes my body pull magnetically to the unseen source. It hurts. I can't stand it!! How can I ever possibly come close to putting the pieces back together with him?? I can't try to put together a broken relationship. I don't want the old relationship back. If I were to have him back at all, I'd want something new and unshakable. But first, I want him to be free, and if that's all I can do, then so be it.

2/13/09

So confused

I've no clue what to do right now. I wish I wasn't so approachable sometimes. It seems that if I spend too much time with any one man, they end up falling for me, whether they're single or in a relationship. I have a couple of people, who despite the fact they say they are not pursuing me, are pursuing me still in thought and action. I don't know what to do. Their feelings are pretty firm, I know, but how do I tell them I'm not romantically interested? They'd still feel the same, I'm sure, but I don't know if I should stay around either of them too much.

Fuck, I'm really starting to get how Dirk felt. Wow, I actually said his name. This is heart-wrenching for me. But I have to say it somewhere straight out instead of with endless poetry that only circles around the problem. I miss him. I miss him in a way that would make a normal person's brain explode. I feel like Susan in Wuthering Heights, how she felt about Heathcliff. I feel like I understand who he is, what he is, without actually knowing much about him. I want to love him selfishly, like I did a few months ago. But there's a newly functioning part of my brain that won't allow that anymore. I have to be stronger than that, or my mind won't pull through.

Sometimes I wish I had the lack of physical self control that applies to some other people have. I'm too sane in some aspects. I can never throw something even when I want to because I know I'd have to pay for the damages. I know even before I hurt myself that it's really just pointless and destructive behavior. And even when I do something reeaally stupid like have an affair, I know I can stop anytime and that I really shouldn't be anywhere close to the situation, I just want to act like a stupid, normal, impulsive person.

Sometimes I do it just because I don't want to care. However, it's gotten me in trouble because I've never been able to express frustration and anger and now I'm an adult and it's not okay to do that anymore. Now I need to use control to my benefit. He removed his blog probably after finding out in horror that I'm on here. I'm so stupid for leaving a comment for him. He still wants nothing to do with me, but I couldn't help myself because I'm an attention whore. I knew I shouldn't have left it, but I did anyways. He's already a very upset person in terms of emotional, mental, and physical forms. I don't need to make things worse for him. Did I really need to send him gifts? I mean, the money might help, but I had to personalize it. It'll probably just upset him more. I don't know what I can do to make him happy. I don't think I can ever make him happy. It's not really my place, and yet I'm still trying.

He just worries me.

2/7/09

Vulnerable

And what a difficult feeling it is. Some who feel vulnerable automatically bare teeth and claws, either because of a result of their environment, or because they don't understand the emotion. Others are irritated, but try to grin and bear it if only on the surface, while trying to find a defensive position. A few will sit calmly and sip their tea, knowing what will happen and wait patiently even as it gnashes at their backs. I'm trying for the last option. I'm not even sure why I feel vulnerable, not yet. But I need to emulate calm and strength, not just appear it.

There's one thing I do know though. He is my weakness. I can't listen to my dreams anymore, because all they show are him getting hurt, dying, or just suffering. These images want me to pull a loan from grandparents and flee to Georgia just to make sure he stays safe. I can't do that. I know I have better self control than that, and I need to display it. At the same time I feel a need to protect him, but I need to continue to do it from afar. The man needs a chance at life, and I'd be willing to die to make it happen.

On another note, it seems I'm changing my perspective on things again. It happens from time to time. Usually I just become too stagnant instead of steadfast in my beliefs. I stop learning, and my window becomes narrow. Actually, some of my positions on major issues have changed from just a few months ago, or at least, I'm unsure now. I don't enjoy the feeling when I begin to disconnect from the world. I still sometimes feel as if I'm observing more than partaking, but I have to reach out from my corner sometimes. I can't be bitter from depression. I can't let myself fall into depression, not anymore. I feel within me a spiritual strength now, something that keeps me from giving in to my negative emotions so much. I think I'm going to need it frequently.

2/4/09

Unbound

I feel a bit more free, I'll admit. Not just because of the breakup either. My body feels more energized and I more vivacious than in a long, long time. Sometimes I wish I could give some of my strength to others. I know some who really need it. It's in my mind too, and my spirit. Emotions don't take over and warp my vision as they used to. I'm changing rapidly, and definitely for the better. I still love the same things, the same people, and my personality is still relatively the same. But brighter, and I wish I could share it or at least rub off a little bit on others. Hehe. My sense of humor hasn't changed much either. :P

2/3/09

The Last Ragged Breath...

I finished my final draft, and I think I actually got my point across this time. Oddly enough though, I don't feel like sharing it on here. Guess I'm just afraid of bad juju. However, I think I'll wait until the magic hour to send it off, to make sure I can send it off while he's asleep and I don't end up getting an enraged phone call this late in the evening.

I'm honestly a bit afraid of what will happen after this, but I do know that once the letter is sent I'll be caught in a flood of relief.And I don't think I'll be getting involved with anyone for a little bit. I'll need the space and focus for other things.

...perhaps I should change my passwords, too, just in case.

Fucked.

That last letter sucked. No matter what I write though, it feels imperative that I do it tonight. I need to be strong, and vigilant in my convictions. He's still a dear friend, no matter what, but I can't let him be the ruler of my life. I've outgrown him. I have more pressing matters, and can't allow him to be my attention whore. He doesn't even believe I'm capable of making a good deision. About anything. It's like he's always saying, "How cute, she's trying to be independent."
NO. I'm smarter than I might look, and there's lot I've changed about myself recently. But of course he'll think I'm "still the same girly-girl". I can't say my personality has really changed, but the way I handle things certainly has. This is, I will admit, the first time I've ever been pissed at a boyfriend. Soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. Wish me luck.

2/2/09

Revised Letter

Fuck. Why can't I ever think of what all there is to say the first time?

Dear Ben,

This is difficult to do. I don't like to disturb peace, but it's only surface peace. There's a reason I can't involve myself with you in bed anymore. There's a reason I'm so hesitant about certain things. I've really tried, but I can't find the connection. I thought about trying to wait until later, but then you'd just feel like you were lied to. I can't say this will end well, or maybe I should disappear from the picture for a while, if you still want me as a friend. A few weeks may not feel like enough time for you, but it's been an eternity for me. I can't do it, and it's sapping my willpower to continue to fake this. I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

From the dark

The man is dark, mostly.
He lives, submerging himself in shadow,
already so confined in it.

He wanders the horizons of a restless mind,
whispering quick memories
into an ear that longs only for a word.

If there be one place in him that still holds light,
it is his eyes.
Every time I see his eyes,
I want to scream with grief.

Because seen there are what feels like
centuries of pain.
Abandonment, depression, hopelessness
all in a deep void
that sucks even the strongest of men.

He's been through it,
seen the other side,
perhaps even considers embracing it,
for it's all he knows.

His eyes pierce my soul,
his body radiant in essence,
his heart in all likeliness,
is fragrant, but torn.

His mind is tough
but ever an insomniac,
his soul is a duality
both illuminating and dark.

This man of shadow cannot be shadow for too much longer.

2/1/09

Practice Letter

Dear Ben,

I'm starting to realize what you are to me. I'm honestly trying, wanting to give the relationship another shot. But I'm finding out very quickly, probably too quickly for you, that I'm not finding the connection anymore. I still love you, but when I say it, it may not be in the way that you think. Less romantic, I'm sure. I'm still trying, but I feel disconnected. I'm not sure this is going to work.

If things turn out better, then I apologize for this letter. If they don't, I just hope you can let me go. I know how hard it is to do something like that, which is why I've been so hesitant. Please understand.

I haven't figured what to put for the closing yet.

Robin

Apparently a robin hit the wall at school, because one of the girls in my theory class ran up and said there was a dead bird on the sidewalk and how gross it was. So me and a friend decided to go outside and look.

It was a beautiful, poor red-breasted robin. It laid on it's stomache with it's face on it's side. A lady who walked by and told us she took in a lot of birds grabbed a leaf and moved the bird by the tail into the patch of bushes and dead leaves so that it wasn't on the sidewalk.

Poor bird. It didn't look very old.

1/30/09

Nothing?

Do you really have nothing?

Except the blue sky, of course.
and the stars and moon that emerge for you.
and the hearts that want to keep you warm;
you still have a few.

What do you have?
besides a shell for a memory,
an earring as keepsake,
and a little bit of cash?

What do you have?
Only memories of a woman who wanted
to love you,
but didn't quite know how yet.

What do you have?
besides a guitar the same color
as the sea you sorely miss,
a head full of music,
and a soul that's still vibrant,
despite the circumstances.

What do you have?
Besides the hopes of loved ones
warming your back,
trying to keep you going
for your own sake.

What do you have?
Besides a beating heart,
a body that hasn't given out yet,
a tremendous soul,
a wish for success,
and someone who wants you
to be free.

What have you?

1/29/09

Haunting dreams

They've been driving me crazy, the dreams I've been having. They made me sick with worry, made me want to email him a about a million times. I can't quite remember what I did do, but I know I managed not to contact him for fear of looking like the horrible stalker I could still become. I still remember the first dream I had about him; remembering it steals my breath.

I didn't see much, it seemed mostly dark. All I saw was him, above me, and shirtless as if in the midst of an intimate act. He was smiling, a genuine smile of happiness that would break my heart if I could only know that he has a reason to smile like that. He was also made of light. I could still see his form, and all of the normal detail, but he was also dripping threads of thin white and gold light. I felt genuine heart-warming happiness, even if it was in dream form, and I'd do anything to make it happen in real life. This dream was actually a few months ago, though, but it was the first of the most vivid dreams I had.

The second was also kind of peaceful, I had a dream a few weeks back that I was making my bed(and I had my own room :0), and he had called me. I remember him telling me that while he was still stuck at home, he had acquired a decent job, a license, and a phone. He had also gotten a new grey and white kitten that was meowing quite cutely over the phone. I felt happy that he was able to do what he had been trying to accomplish for a long time, but as I was removing covers from my bed, I noticed there were ants in the bed. I tried to focus on what he was saying, but the more layers I pulled off, I started finding more ants, then small clumps of wet dirt, then bettles, and pincer bugs. I don't quite remember how it went from there, but it was odd.


The third scared the shit out of me, the one that made my heart scream in fear. I had a dream that I actually had an opportunity to visit this person. Now aside from the normal differentiations from actual housing and and location that can happen in a dream, there were some pretty strange things that occurred. For one, as I tried to approach his house and open the front door, there was a group of condors that began to attack me. Second, upon actually getting inside, there was (apparently) a rebellion force who was working against this coalition and had made his house their base in order to guard the family. I had to lie that I was a member in order to help this force take out the coalition and save him. We were able to take them out, and I returned to his house and was able to speak with him for a while. Funny thing was, we were both sitting in an empty bathtub, but we were both dressed, or at least he was wearing shorts. He seemed to be doing very well, as he told me.

The scary part was, after a little bit he left for somewhere, and I was sitting on the couch. Apparently his mother didn't know I was still there, and I heard her conspiring with someone outside of her bedroom window. Apparently a long time ago she had opened a savings account for him that he still didn't know existed, and he had control over the account after he would turn 18 unless something "happened", then control would be relinquished back to her. So she was planning to put a hit out on him. I, of course, panicked and ran for the door right as the hitman was to come inside to hide until my love came back home. I tried to lock him back out, but he found another way in, and I just remember screaming as the hitman grabbed for my throat because I was already trapped.

I could just be worrying myself. I looked on dream analysis websites, but I'm not sure how accurate the interpretations are. I'm still trying to shake it off.

"I want a perfect soul..."

He,
who reminds me,
of salty air,
and cloudy sea.

He,
who still makes
me blush,
inadvertently.

He,
who I've never
met,
I still love thee.

He,
who stole
my soul,
may keep it
eternally.

If,
I had that
perfect soul,
I'd give it to him
gratefully.

For,
I am addicted
to this man,
who is my Sun,
my Moon,
my Sky,
and Sea.

I can't compare

I really can't. There's nothing in my life right now that can count as real physical strife; it's mostly emotional. There are men who pass through my life, never have I been involved in so many people's lives. One loves me from a distance, another loves me close but dare not touch, another I've known forever but it seems I'm outgrowing, and yet I'm willing to forsake all of them for a soul I may never even see again. I feel like I'm being unfair to the ones involved in my life, but I'm already learning the lesson that it's unfair to yourself to be committed to someone purely out of loyalty to a friend, and even more unfair to the other for giving them false dreams of a long, happy relationship.

My recent dreams are lengthy and vivid, and sometimes very violent. I blame the opal, and the recent "activities" I've gotten into. Experimenting with energies and learning to see "auras", learning about runes and other mystical mumbo-jumbo. I'll be a complete nutjob, I'm sure.

Making me angry is a hard task to accomplish. Lately there's been such a calm area around my person that I cannot become irritable, hyper, or angry at anyone or anything. Crying is still a given of course, because I may have found peace and strength, but I'm still blubbery me. :)