Awkward Moments

So the trip to the Redwoods/Fortuna/Humboldt County went pretty well. I'm kind of glad that's the last time I go to a family reunion, at least for a long while. It was actually quite cold this time, usually it's very warm at the Women's Federation Grove, which is where it's always held. It was fun to get out, as usual, but there were key people missing, aka Grandma Kalford who passed away last year. I always found her easy to talk to, and she was very good at introducing me to people I didn't know. But I saw some people I didn't know, along with some I didn't really remember, and I spent a lot of time feeling very awkward and walking down to the river to pass the time. At least I got a little exercise that way, I went up and down that trail and trudging along the beach about four times.

 My family managed to stay away from fast food completely this time, which was a pretty impressive feat considering how much it costs each time a group of five wants to eat at a restaurant. I forgot how much unhealthy other crap my family eats though. While we were driving there(we took 36 by the way, which was gorgeous but a little scary) Mike pulled out doughnut holes that were to serve as breakfast. I brought my own stuff, but it was buried in the trunk in an area where we could not pull over and I was hungry NOW. So I broke down and ate three to keep me from totally starving, while still falling short of a serving. Luckily there were a lot of salads at the reunion too, and at least thirty people, so I didn't feel bad about picking only the things I really wanted. And quinoa!! Damn that was good!

Going to the beach actually didn't do much to help my depression. If anything, it enhanced my feeling of wistfulness. For what? I actually don't know. It must just be an ocean thing. :/ But I still enjoyed the weather(more than everyone else, actually), and I've determined that if  I need an escape city, Arcata will do just fine. It's so cute and small-ish, and so friendly, but it still caters to my whims and makes me feel enriched. Plus it's rather close to nature type things. :P

I'm not sure what I should think about my relationship right now. One moment I think something could be wrong, that either it's all his fault or it's all my fault and the next I'm second-guessing everything I just said. I think I just need to settle down and not take everything so seriously. The more intense I become, the easier I break. And the more I'm likely to do something stupid. I think I'm going to not care what the future holds in store for Sam and I. I'm going to see him tomorrow, say 'I love you', and enjoy the moments we do get to spend with each other. I think I may just be having troubles with how casual we've gotten with each other, but maybe I just need to learn to live with it.



I can't sleep, so I'm going to write. I've actually needed to for a while, but tablets are bad for writing more than a few sentences. Anyway this is better than staring at the ceiling until it starts moving in patterns, and hearing little imaginary voices every few minutes.

I had to freeze my 24 Hour Fitness account. I'm pissed too, because when I called to cancel, they convince me to freeze my account instead of outright cancelling so I wouldn't have to pay startup fees again, only to remember later that part of the reason I was going to cancel was so I'd still have a free month of gym use. I feel like an eediot. Now I have to wait a MINIMUM of 2 months before I can tell them to open the account again. *grumble*

 I've been feeling...depressed. Can't say for sure why. I can speculate, but even if you took away the various little things bugging me, I don't think it would disappear so easily. And summer depression is worse than winter depression, in my book. Maybe I do need this trip to the coast, and even though I'm with my family, it's still easy enough to mentally separate when I need to.

I had kind of hoped I would be going there with Sam first; I have to say though that I've been feeling strange around him lately. I feel it whenever he looks at me. Something in the dynamics of our relationship has changed, but I can't yet place what that something is. It has caused me to question my modus operandi recently. Have I been careless? Thoughtless? Am I just getting too fat? It's almost as if he's looking down on me. Maybe it's my own paranoia and bad self-esteem, but I can't help feeling like I've been lacking lately, and it's got me a little worried.

Something that Sam said awhile ago hurt me, in a way. It wasn't his fault it hurt though, because I'd been telling myself the same thing for a while; I just didn't realize it would hurt to hear it out loud. See, Sam and I are both on the higher education track, and knowing how competitive our field can be, we both want to get into schools that can offer us the most to learn, and the greatest opportunities. It wasn't terribly difficult for us to end up at Sac State together, and it would have been similar at several institutions for a Bachelors. However, getting into a Masters program is a little more intense, a little more difficult, and a lot more unpredictable. And he stated what I'd been thinking for a while: we could not stay together over great distances. It's not a fun thing to try. I feel a little melodramatic right now, but in some ways it feels like a death sentence. There's no guarantee that we won't end up at the same institution, or at least in the same area. But that little seed of doubt is planted in my mind. How long do I have? Which is stupid, of course. What if he decided to break up with me tomorrow? I should just be grateful for the days I do experience with him.

I need a place to cry.


I figure after three years or so, it was time for an update. I've been feeling very blase today. Though I've made a small revelation today. I've been evaluating what I deem to be a "failure" of a task in my life. In some things, failure is very self-evident, such as a bad grade, or a late notice on a bill that says "failure to pay". I've finally figured out that it isn't as easy when it comes to singing. That should come as a relief to me, but in a way that makes it more frustrating. I see every day as a learning experience, and singing, especially in a performance, is rife with opportunities to fail. At least, that's how I thought of it before. But I've been bringing myself down that way, and attempting to set myself up for actual failure, which means freezing up on the spot with paralyzing fear. I can't call every missed inflection or word or every out-of-tune note during a lesson a failure. I can't call forgetting breath support for a minute a real failure. Not winning a competition does not make me a failure. These things all make me a voice student. A growing musician. Mistakes at this level are not fatal. I have to remind myself of this, or else I can't carry on. I felt horrible guilt over my juries for something I couldn't really help, and played almost no role in my teachers' decisions. I'm a silly human being. :P

Serenity. I wish I had some. :/

My period has been really rough on me this time around. After my little hormone reset a few months ago, I'm starting to see changes that I didn't want to accept at first. Like the fact that now, I actually go through some intense emotional mini-episodes the day or two before my period starts. I used to just feel kind of drained/crappy before. Happy day though, my period seems to have shortened itself by about two days. Hooray!! But that also means the flow is overall more intense. :/
Yes, I did happen to write the last post while I was in the apex of one of those mini-sodes. You can tell by the unnecessary tone of panic and self-deprecation found throughout the text. I can't say I don't still feel that way, but I think I can state it with less hysteria now. It is sort of funny to read though, if it weren't so pathetic sounding.


That fine line...

I consider myself to be fairly nonchalant towards joking commentary made between friends. Granted, it has taken some exposure and practice, but I've done fairly well at keeping myself from taking too many things to heart. Though recently I've been bugged by some of the fun Sam has been poking at me, particularly any that involve my personal shortcomings as being caused from being a woman. I think the catalyst that made me bring this up was a little incident where I was looking to apply at a job, only to find out they wouldn't hire women because of the safety concerns working on night shift. I understand why, but it doesn't keep me from being a bit upset at how prevalently things like rape still occur. Honestly though, this is something that has been truly disturbing me for the past week or so, and at first I thought maybe I was being a little hormonal when I started crying after one of his remarks last night. He didn't even notice, but then again, I didn't really want him or Aaron to notice.  But about the jokes, they're ridiculous, and I should just be able to shrug my shoulders and giggle, even hurl back an insult or two. Instead, they make me furious and extremely reactionary. It's the only time I actually feel like being violent towards him. I should never, EVER feel that way!! I've just considered him as being this person always worthy of my respect and love, yet hearing him say the shit he says, even in jest, is like hearing "I don't really respect you, and I like hitting you where it hurts."
The thing is, I don't remember him having always said stuff like that to me. It seems to have gotten that way more in the last year, or maybe even the last six months. Maybe he's just gotten comfortable enough with me that he feels like he can say anything to me as he would one of his close friends. That's a major plus to me. But though I'm sure he in no way means what he jokes to me about, I can't help but feel like sometimes he's trying to press my buttons and trying to get me to lose my cool. I feel helpless when I've been hurt by one of his jests, but we're around one or several of his friends, and I don't want to cry and look like a fool, but I also don't want to berate him because I don't want to ruin the fun of whatever other company we have around. I've noticed it gets much worse when we're around certain friends. I'm that person who doesn't want conflict, and is willing to let it well up inside strictly because I don't like to make waves, and I'm not even sure if this constitutes a legitimate issue. Am I really just being too sensitive? Or are there just some things you shouldn't say to your girlfriend? Is this something I'll just get over after some time, or is it really an issue I should bring up with him? I don't want him to feel like he can't joke with me at all, but I really can't stand it sometimes. I've been crying in moments by myself like this, where I think about snapping and yelling at him for this kind of thing, but then being totally afraid that he'll just decide I was just roommate/fucking fodder and that he'll decide to leave and find someone who's less uptight than I. And now looking at this, I'm not sure if this is more about an issue with him, or about my own insecurities. I'm just going to stop this post here; I don't need to go any further down the spiral tonight.