Thoughtlessness

I can't sleep, so I'm going to write. I've actually needed to for a while, but tablets are bad for writing more than a few sentences. Anyway this is better than staring at the ceiling until it starts moving in patterns, and hearing little imaginary voices every few minutes.

I had to freeze my 24 Hour Fitness account. I'm pissed too, because when I called to cancel, they convince me to freeze my account instead of outright cancelling so I wouldn't have to pay startup fees again, only to remember later that part of the reason I was going to cancel was so I'd still have a free month of gym use. I feel like an eediot. Now I have to wait a MINIMUM of 2 months before I can tell them to open the account again. *grumble*

 I've been feeling...depressed. Can't say for sure why. I can speculate, but even if you took away the various little things bugging me, I don't think it would disappear so easily. And summer depression is worse than winter depression, in my book. Maybe I do need this trip to the coast, and even though I'm with my family, it's still easy enough to mentally separate when I need to.

I had kind of hoped I would be going there with Sam first; I have to say though that I've been feeling strange around him lately. I feel it whenever he looks at me. Something in the dynamics of our relationship has changed, but I can't yet place what that something is. It has caused me to question my modus operandi recently. Have I been careless? Thoughtless? Am I just getting too fat? It's almost as if he's looking down on me. Maybe it's my own paranoia and bad self-esteem, but I can't help feeling like I've been lacking lately, and it's got me a little worried.

Something that Sam said awhile ago hurt me, in a way. It wasn't his fault it hurt though, because I'd been telling myself the same thing for a while; I just didn't realize it would hurt to hear it out loud. See, Sam and I are both on the higher education track, and knowing how competitive our field can be, we both want to get into schools that can offer us the most to learn, and the greatest opportunities. It wasn't terribly difficult for us to end up at Sac State together, and it would have been similar at several institutions for a Bachelors. However, getting into a Masters program is a little more intense, a little more difficult, and a lot more unpredictable. And he stated what I'd been thinking for a while: we could not stay together over great distances. It's not a fun thing to try. I feel a little melodramatic right now, but in some ways it feels like a death sentence. There's no guarantee that we won't end up at the same institution, or at least in the same area. But that little seed of doubt is planted in my mind. How long do I have? Which is stupid, of course. What if he decided to break up with me tomorrow? I should just be grateful for the days I do experience with him.

I need a place to cry.