I consider myself to be fairly nonchalant towards joking commentary made between friends. Granted, it has taken some exposure and practice, but I've done fairly well at keeping myself from taking too many things to heart. Though recently I've been bugged by some of the fun Sam has been poking at me, particularly any that involve my personal shortcomings as being caused from being a woman. I think the catalyst that made me bring this up was a little incident where I was looking to apply at a job, only to find out they wouldn't hire women because of the safety concerns working on night shift. I understand why, but it doesn't keep me from being a bit upset at how prevalently things like rape still occur. Honestly though, this is something that has been truly disturbing me for the past week or so, and at first I thought maybe I was being a little hormonal when I started crying after one of his remarks last night. He didn't even notice, but then again, I didn't really want him or Aaron to notice. But about the jokes, they're ridiculous, and I should just be able to shrug my shoulders and giggle, even hurl back an insult or two. Instead, they make me furious and extremely reactionary. It's the only time I actually feel like being violent towards him. I should never, EVER feel that way!! I've just considered him as being this person always worthy of my respect and love, yet hearing him say the shit he says, even in jest, is like hearing "I don't really respect you, and I like hitting you where it hurts."
The thing is, I don't remember him having always said stuff like that to me. It seems to have gotten that way more in the last year, or maybe even the last six months. Maybe he's just gotten comfortable enough with me that he feels like he can say anything to me as he would one of his close friends. That's a major plus to me. But though I'm sure he in no way means what he jokes to me about, I can't help but feel like sometimes he's trying to press my buttons and trying to get me to lose my cool. I feel helpless when I've been hurt by one of his jests, but we're around one or several of his friends, and I don't want to cry and look like a fool, but I also don't want to berate him because I don't want to ruin the fun of whatever other company we have around. I've noticed it gets much worse when we're around certain friends. I'm that person who doesn't want conflict, and is willing to let it well up inside strictly because I don't like to make waves, and I'm not even sure if this constitutes a legitimate issue. Am I really just being too sensitive? Or are there just some things you shouldn't say to your girlfriend? Is this something I'll just get over after some time, or is it really an issue I should bring up with him? I don't want him to feel like he can't joke with me at all, but I really can't stand it sometimes. I've been crying in moments by myself like this, where I think about snapping and yelling at him for this kind of thing, but then being totally afraid that he'll just decide I was just roommate/fucking fodder and that he'll decide to leave and find someone who's less uptight than I. And now looking at this, I'm not sure if this is more about an issue with him, or about my own insecurities. I'm just going to stop this post here; I don't need to go any further down the spiral tonight.