Do you really have nothing?

Except the blue sky, of course.
and the stars and moon that emerge for you.
and the hearts that want to keep you warm;
you still have a few.

What do you have?
besides a shell for a memory,
an earring as keepsake,
and a little bit of cash?

What do you have?
Only memories of a woman who wanted
to love you,
but didn't quite know how yet.

What do you have?
besides a guitar the same color
as the sea you sorely miss,
a head full of music,
and a soul that's still vibrant,
despite the circumstances.

What do you have?
Besides the hopes of loved ones
warming your back,
trying to keep you going
for your own sake.

What do you have?
Besides a beating heart,
a body that hasn't given out yet,
a tremendous soul,
a wish for success,
and someone who wants you
to be free.

What have you?


Haunting dreams

They've been driving me crazy, the dreams I've been having. They made me sick with worry, made me want to email him a about a million times. I can't quite remember what I did do, but I know I managed not to contact him for fear of looking like the horrible stalker I could still become. I still remember the first dream I had about him; remembering it steals my breath.

I didn't see much, it seemed mostly dark. All I saw was him, above me, and shirtless as if in the midst of an intimate act. He was smiling, a genuine smile of happiness that would break my heart if I could only know that he has a reason to smile like that. He was also made of light. I could still see his form, and all of the normal detail, but he was also dripping threads of thin white and gold light. I felt genuine heart-warming happiness, even if it was in dream form, and I'd do anything to make it happen in real life. This dream was actually a few months ago, though, but it was the first of the most vivid dreams I had.

The second was also kind of peaceful, I had a dream a few weeks back that I was making my bed(and I had my own room :0), and he had called me. I remember him telling me that while he was still stuck at home, he had acquired a decent job, a license, and a phone. He had also gotten a new grey and white kitten that was meowing quite cutely over the phone. I felt happy that he was able to do what he had been trying to accomplish for a long time, but as I was removing covers from my bed, I noticed there were ants in the bed. I tried to focus on what he was saying, but the more layers I pulled off, I started finding more ants, then small clumps of wet dirt, then bettles, and pincer bugs. I don't quite remember how it went from there, but it was odd.

The third scared the shit out of me, the one that made my heart scream in fear. I had a dream that I actually had an opportunity to visit this person. Now aside from the normal differentiations from actual housing and and location that can happen in a dream, there were some pretty strange things that occurred. For one, as I tried to approach his house and open the front door, there was a group of condors that began to attack me. Second, upon actually getting inside, there was (apparently) a rebellion force who was working against this coalition and had made his house their base in order to guard the family. I had to lie that I was a member in order to help this force take out the coalition and save him. We were able to take them out, and I returned to his house and was able to speak with him for a while. Funny thing was, we were both sitting in an empty bathtub, but we were both dressed, or at least he was wearing shorts. He seemed to be doing very well, as he told me.

The scary part was, after a little bit he left for somewhere, and I was sitting on the couch. Apparently his mother didn't know I was still there, and I heard her conspiring with someone outside of her bedroom window. Apparently a long time ago she had opened a savings account for him that he still didn't know existed, and he had control over the account after he would turn 18 unless something "happened", then control would be relinquished back to her. So she was planning to put a hit out on him. I, of course, panicked and ran for the door right as the hitman was to come inside to hide until my love came back home. I tried to lock him back out, but he found another way in, and I just remember screaming as the hitman grabbed for my throat because I was already trapped.

I could just be worrying myself. I looked on dream analysis websites, but I'm not sure how accurate the interpretations are. I'm still trying to shake it off.

"I want a perfect soul..."

who reminds me,
of salty air,
and cloudy sea.

who still makes
me blush,

who I've never
I still love thee.

who stole
my soul,
may keep it

I had that
perfect soul,
I'd give it to him

I am addicted
to this man,
who is my Sun,
my Moon,
my Sky,
and Sea.

I can't compare

I really can't. There's nothing in my life right now that can count as real physical strife; it's mostly emotional. There are men who pass through my life, never have I been involved in so many people's lives. One loves me from a distance, another loves me close but dare not touch, another I've known forever but it seems I'm outgrowing, and yet I'm willing to forsake all of them for a soul I may never even see again. I feel like I'm being unfair to the ones involved in my life, but I'm already learning the lesson that it's unfair to yourself to be committed to someone purely out of loyalty to a friend, and even more unfair to the other for giving them false dreams of a long, happy relationship.

My recent dreams are lengthy and vivid, and sometimes very violent. I blame the opal, and the recent "activities" I've gotten into. Experimenting with energies and learning to see "auras", learning about runes and other mystical mumbo-jumbo. I'll be a complete nutjob, I'm sure.

Making me angry is a hard task to accomplish. Lately there's been such a calm area around my person that I cannot become irritable, hyper, or angry at anyone or anything. Crying is still a given of course, because I may have found peace and strength, but I'm still blubbery me. :)