How can I be so happy to see that someone I love has found love, but just as heartbroken that I'm not in the picture?


Such a strange deja vu premonitory sequence played in my head, and it started with a video of Julee Cruise singing something from Twin Peaks.

I remember seeing the one comment, one like on my friend's status where it was posted, and trying to play the link but youtube wouldn't let me play it on mobile, though somewhere down the line my friend thanks me for saying anything because he feels like sometimes people don't care. Then as I'm browsing other videos Sam comes into my room to talk about my other romantic interests/concerns. He's obviously bothered by it at first, but we have a lengthy and honest discussion in my room.

And none of this has actually happened, but I felt as though part of it was supposed to when I was looking through the videos after following that link. I sometimes wonder about the finer workings of this universe.


I want to run away, but you can't really run away from grief. Even if I could, I can't afford to go much beyond my own apartment right now.

I fell for someone, much harder than I ever thought or expected I would. And they don't want me. Or at least, they don't want a relationship, and don't seem to think I'm high-commitment material anyways.

I feel like a prisoner in my own body right now. I can't even see them in person to talk to them right now because I lack the means, and they're...preoccupied.


I have been at a slight unease, and I ache for autumn, even thoug it is yet an unfathomable whisper in my memory. It is dry and breezy, and there are already trees surrendering their leaves to the ground. If only that were a signal of seasonal change instead of a symptom of this awful drought. The entirety of this week is to be miserably sunny and warm.

Yes, I know. My first peep in weeks, and it's just to blather about the weather.  Well, perhaps more than that. There are efforts afoot that I haven't reported on here, though they've been longstanding and tedious enough that it feels trite to explain them in any detail when I've spoken about such matters elsewhere. Suffice it to say that job hunting is an emotional and physical drain, I'm actually trying my hand at sewing beyond pillows and basic hand stitches, and I have a lot of art films to write about, and even more to watch.

 I've also had a great deal of internal emotional struggle that I don't care to elaborate on right this second, since the situation is a tad complex, and the walls(or rather, the windows) may have eyes.