Yeah, I finally exploded again today. It's okay, I wanted to be sure I had someone there to make me recover. I don't like doing that when I'm alone, it makes me feel worse sometimes. I found a song that kinda sums up how I feel. By the Smashing Pumpkins, yay!! ^-^
Stand Inside Your Love

You and me
Meant to be
It's destiny
Pure lunacy
But for the last time
You're everything that I want and ask for
You're all that I'd dreamed
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love
Protected and the lover of
A pure soul and beautiful you
Don't understand
Don't feel me now
I will breathe
For the both of us
Travel the world
Traverse the skies
Your home is here
Within my heart
And for the first time
I feel as though I am reborn
In my mind
Recast as child and mystic sage
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love
And for the first time
I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for
Your every move and waking sound
In my time
I'll wrap my wire around your heart and your mind
You're mine forever now
Who wouldn't be the one you love and live for
Who wouldn't stand inside your love and die for
Who wouldn't be the one you love



Had a dream last night. I was sitting in the cafeteria, and my friend Brent and I were getting fragments of a vision, so we decided to try and channel through each other to get a clearer picture. As soon as we grabbed hands, we began receiving a message from a being from another plane of existence. His name was either Ciera or Ceria. He then showed us the plane on which he lived, and why he had been trying to contact Brent. It was an odd dream, definitely.


I fucking hate this. The feeling I get whenever I think I'm making progress. I've been trying to suppress an attack all evening. I always lull myself into a false sense of security, and then my skin becomes transparent again. I know its better to solve a problem rather than cover it, but there's nothing I can solve right now!! There's no change in how I feel about him, not in the six months it's been since I heard from him directly. Yeah, I explode less, and that's good, but every time I do I feel as if I'm coming closer to a breaking point. Much like my soul is being pulled different ways so as to tear it to pieces. Too dramatic? That's the only way I can really explain the feeling. I can't think about him without feeling some type of pain, physical or otherwise. Fucking frustrating!!! Nothing helps, I've tried moving on, and any time I step foot into a relationship, I feel guilty for not keeping this horrible vigil, and that I may just be setting myself up for failure, and I'm correct. I have to stay distant from my romantic interests now to keep from hurting them because of my condition. Because in reality, they're only band-aids, poor diluted substitutes of the heroin-love I so desperately need. WHO IS THIS PERSON TO ME?!?! I can't possibly continue to feel this way for some other schmo I dated, I know. I feel so heavy, molded from lead. What can I do? I'm lost again...just want to be calm again.


Depressed, Regressed, and Stressed

Another dream. I was traveling with my family when all of a sudden this huge storm showed up in the distance, and we had to stop somewhere and cancel the rest of our trip. Turns out it was a shadow-storm, so me and my friend Xander were the only people who could possibly enter the storm, find the source, and destroy it. I don't remember much of actually walking through it though, only that we entered it. I figured out fluorite is good for amplifying certain images in dreams, especially if they are prophetic in nature. And getting rid of anxieties while sleeping. I don't think I've slept that long in a while. I feel so tired all the time, and my self-confidence is nearly zilch. I keep seeing an image of a person I'm supposed to meet, a very important person, and I've yet to see a shred of evidence that she even exists. The crystal I bought is actually destined for her, and if I don't find her relatively soon, I'm even crazier than I thought. I'm also getting messages in a mish-mosh of languages I don't even understand, and yet I can pick out pieces of phrase from them. I think they're songs, that's what my mentors have figured at least. If I'm really a siren like they say, it would make sense. I'm trying not to doubt myself, but it's difficult when I don't have a well-developed spirit-sight to match my "talents". I'm also finally catching glimpses of my only past life. It was painful, I know for at least the last few years. She only lived to be 27, at the most. I should be a bit happier to find out these things, but right now I'm just...tired. The sphynx in me doesn't mind receiving messages in a cryptic way, but I don't have the patience to wait for things I can't grasp yet. Do I have to grow old?



New dream, because that's the first purpose of this thing anyways. I'm having headaches almost daily again, and not always from my jaw. Had an interesting dream that me and a couple of friends were visiting San Francisco(makes sense, I was there last Friday). Well, anyways, by the end of the day my equivalent of a step-brother was going to try committing suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. We were told to stay away from the situation, which they got under control. I then found myself in a hotel room after a time, when I got a call, which I didn't answer right away but let the machine get because there was no caller ID. When the machine started recording, I heard a voice I recognized but couldn't place who it was. I remember he was a little taunting and mocking, so I answered, a bit irritated at his words(that I can't remember). He continued to talk to me, obviously knowing I would pick up the phone. It was as if he was trying to warn me of something, or strike a deal with me, and I tried to deny him, but I was still intrigued.


Smashin' teh Face in...

Am I seriously losing it? I'm trying to forget, or at least dull the pain of remembering, no easy task. But lately when I think of him, which is still often, I see him in my mind, and then the moment become so lifelike that it feels as if he's standing in front of me. It catches me off guard.
I want to tear out my hair. It's frustrating to have memories to toy with me like that. I wonder if he feels the same way. More funny/strange dreams, but I'll iterate later.