Torture

I fucking hate this. The feeling I get whenever I think I'm making progress. I've been trying to suppress an attack all evening. I always lull myself into a false sense of security, and then my skin becomes transparent again. I know its better to solve a problem rather than cover it, but there's nothing I can solve right now!! There's no change in how I feel about him, not in the six months it's been since I heard from him directly. Yeah, I explode less, and that's good, but every time I do I feel as if I'm coming closer to a breaking point. Much like my soul is being pulled different ways so as to tear it to pieces. Too dramatic? That's the only way I can really explain the feeling. I can't think about him without feeling some type of pain, physical or otherwise. Fucking frustrating!!! Nothing helps, I've tried moving on, and any time I step foot into a relationship, I feel guilty for not keeping this horrible vigil, and that I may just be setting myself up for failure, and I'm correct. I have to stay distant from my romantic interests now to keep from hurting them because of my condition. Because in reality, they're only band-aids, poor diluted substitutes of the heroin-love I so desperately need. WHO IS THIS PERSON TO ME?!?! I can't possibly continue to feel this way for some other schmo I dated, I know. I feel so heavy, molded from lead. What can I do? I'm lost again...just want to be calm again.