Vulnerable

And what a difficult feeling it is. Some who feel vulnerable automatically bare teeth and claws, either because of a result of their environment, or because they don't understand the emotion. Others are irritated, but try to grin and bear it if only on the surface, while trying to find a defensive position. A few will sit calmly and sip their tea, knowing what will happen and wait patiently even as it gnashes at their backs. I'm trying for the last option. I'm not even sure why I feel vulnerable, not yet. But I need to emulate calm and strength, not just appear it.

There's one thing I do know though. He is my weakness. I can't listen to my dreams anymore, because all they show are him getting hurt, dying, or just suffering. These images want me to pull a loan from grandparents and flee to Georgia just to make sure he stays safe. I can't do that. I know I have better self control than that, and I need to display it. At the same time I feel a need to protect him, but I need to continue to do it from afar. The man needs a chance at life, and I'd be willing to die to make it happen.

On another note, it seems I'm changing my perspective on things again. It happens from time to time. Usually I just become too stagnant instead of steadfast in my beliefs. I stop learning, and my window becomes narrow. Actually, some of my positions on major issues have changed from just a few months ago, or at least, I'm unsure now. I don't enjoy the feeling when I begin to disconnect from the world. I still sometimes feel as if I'm observing more than partaking, but I have to reach out from my corner sometimes. I can't be bitter from depression. I can't let myself fall into depression, not anymore. I feel within me a spiritual strength now, something that keeps me from giving in to my negative emotions so much. I think I'm going to need it frequently.