I feel myself slipping again, down into the crack. I can't let myself get there. I'm trying with all my focus to keep from slipping into depression again, rain or no rain. The person that's making me the most anxious right now is Dirk. It's not his fault, but he's somewhere near the bottom of the cliff, trying not to slip into the abyss because I let him fall there. And I'm clinging for dear life somewhere along the middle because we both leaped blindly.

I don't even know if he's still alive. The very thought makes me want to keel over in grief. But to what end? I love him, but I know it will cause me nothing but pain. And yet I'm still addicted to his very essence. Seeing his face in my mind just makes my body pull magnetically to the unseen source. It hurts. I can't stand it!! How can I ever possibly come close to putting the pieces back together with him?? I can't try to put together a broken relationship. I don't want the old relationship back. If I were to have him back at all, I'd want something new and unshakable. But first, I want him to be free, and if that's all I can do, then so be it.

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