I've no clue what to do right now. I wish I wasn't so approachable sometimes. It seems that if I spend too much time with any one man, they end up falling for me, whether they're single or in a relationship. I have a couple of people, who despite the fact they say they are not pursuing me, are pursuing me still in thought and action. I don't know what to do. Their feelings are pretty firm, I know, but how do I tell them I'm not romantically interested? They'd still feel the same, I'm sure, but I don't know if I should stay around either of them too much.
Fuck, I'm really starting to get how Dirk felt. Wow, I actually said his name. This is heart-wrenching for me. But I have to say it somewhere straight out instead of with endless poetry that only circles around the problem. I miss him. I miss him in a way that would make a normal person's brain explode. I feel like Susan in Wuthering Heights, how she felt about Heathcliff. I feel like I understand who he is, what he is, without actually knowing much about him. I want to love him selfishly, like I did a few months ago. But there's a newly functioning part of my brain that won't allow that anymore. I have to be stronger than that, or my mind won't pull through.
Sometimes I wish I had the lack of physical self control that applies to some other people have. I'm too sane in some aspects. I can never throw something even when I want to because I know I'd have to pay for the damages. I know even before I hurt myself that it's really just pointless and destructive behavior. And even when I do something reeaally stupid like have an affair, I know I can stop anytime and that I really shouldn't be anywhere close to the situation, I just want to act like a stupid, normal, impulsive person.
Sometimes I do it just because I don't want to care. However, it's gotten me in trouble because I've never been able to express frustration and anger and now I'm an adult and it's not okay to do that anymore. Now I need to use control to my benefit. He removed his blog probably after finding out in horror that I'm on here. I'm so stupid for leaving a comment for him. He still wants nothing to do with me, but I couldn't help myself because I'm an attention whore. I knew I shouldn't have left it, but I did anyways. He's already a very upset person in terms of emotional, mental, and physical forms. I don't need to make things worse for him. Did I really need to send him gifts? I mean, the money might help, but I had to personalize it. It'll probably just upset him more. I don't know what I can do to make him happy. I don't think I can ever make him happy. It's not really my place, and yet I'm still trying.
He just worries me.