Frustration with a capital Fuck!!!

It has to end soon, it has to. This is one of those moments where I feel like falling to my knees and taking the earth within my grasp, only to shake it violently and scream into it,"What's wrong with me?!?!" And no one will have an answer, not even the spirits. Of course, I won't do that; I refuse to go down so quickly. I can be fine in one moment, but the instant a stream of his consciousness comes into mind, I'm holding back tears in public because of the guilt it seems I'm paying for everyday, not to mention feeling ungrateful that Ben is trying to stick with it all the way because he can't let go of me for how he feels either, and also frustration with him that he keeps trying and it just seems like I'm falling deeper into debt. I never thought I would view love as a debt to pay. Yet I feel obligated to do something, but the price he's asking is something I'll never be able to pay. One string from another world still bonds me from the rest of mine.