I have been wanting to write for weeks. I simply haven't made myself sit and pen-vomit. No matter how good or bad the writing, or my emotional state at the time, I'm finding it is a necessary outlet for creativity as well as for dealing with stress. Interestingly enough, sometimes the attitude I have when I initially want to write about something changes, or my desire to write about that topic fades altogether. It is as much about capturing the moment as it is the analysis of my actions. I can tell I'm more motivated to write creatively, where as soon as I have an idea I get to the closest writing medium as soon as possible. Writing about myself can be much more difficult. Yet I know if I don't, I become sort of internally bound to my emotions. And the longer I wait, the worse it is.
I've begun having very vivid dreams again. For a while all the dreams I had were muddy, incoherent, and I couldn't remember a lick of what happened. It's kind of a relief, even if they've been rather disturbing. I had a very quirky dream involving Romantic composers Berlioz, Wagner, and Liszt, though it's rather lengthy and I'll recount it at a later date. Then another one I had was far more abstract, and I've already lost some details of the storyline-ish. Whta I do remember is witnessing nuclear explosions, going back to my hometown neighborhood, and seeing no one around, but the houses had been decimated. There were no people around, or at least, no sign of dead, but there were dozens of kittens, all so small and malnutritioned that they were impossibly, skeletally skinny, yet they could not die. There was one that look even worse than the rest; its body was covered in radiation burns. I remember having a bit of cheese and splitting it amongst a few of them, but I was then told by someone that there was nothing more I could do, so I had to leave. There was also something about a tornado. There was a lot more to this dream, but now it has already been a few weeks and I've lost a lot of it.
I had a little realization today. I want a part of my poetry to become the text of an art song. I'm not sure if it would be something I've already written, or if I should really try to develop an idea with that intent in mind. I'm very fond of my poetry for what it represents to me, but I can't speak for its artistic worth. I would like for some of it to be set to music though, and though I've been tempted to try my own hand at it, I reallly have no confidence in my composition abilities. I have none. :P At the most I can make something interesting sounding, but I'm very bad at trying to form music around a certain idea.
I was going to spend this post talking about how crappy my day was, or the vaied feelings about my progress as a performer, but I think that would have put me further into a hole at this point-I'm still at the lowest low in my estrogen cycle, so beating up on myself wouldn't really help me get anything done or make myself feel motivated.