Somewhere along the line, I stopped trying to consider my dreams as achievable in reality.  It became more of an alternate reality, wherein I made a hypothetical situation that whatever I wanted to happen did happen. But when I let the stress of my temporary situation take over somewhere down the line, I stopped planning for the future. And not necessarily my career, but everything I wanted for my life. I began to take "one day at a time" too literally. What is one to do when she wants to be the Most Interesting Woman in the World, but has neither the funds nor the education in which to do it? I would like to say I'm tenacious, but that reeks of bravado at this point. I want to have impact. I want my life to have meaning. But in which ways? I find myself floundering. I have already determined which ways I can have a niche in music. I've already somewhere abandoned the idea of becoming a professional opera singer( or "star", whatever). But I would love to find singing work in the metal scene or the video game scene. I've begun painting again, though I'm not sure that will lead anywhere. I think it would require more courses for me to become any good, and even so it may be more for my own peace of mind over anything.

I know I'm following a bad business model by comparing myself with someone else, but this concern partly arose after hearing about someone else's "bucket list". I realized none of my desires had been organized into any sort of achievable goal. They just sort of drift along, half-conceived, not even written down so that I might turn any of them into a reality. I think I will make a dream list. A list of everything, anything I might want to do in life, and then narrow it down to things which are possible in my life. Now let's see...

Dream List
-Write a major work of fiction
-Write a libretto for an opera
-Receive a PhD(NOT in music)
-keep a garden
-Visit these countries: Japan, China(mostly the forested areas), India, Finland, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Germany, France, Bulgaria, Greece, Scotland, Ireland, Iceland, New Zealand, Canada, Argentina, Chile, Peru, Croatia, and others yet to be determined.
-Buy a cottage by the ocean, likely in Northern California or Oregon or somewhere just as cool.
-Sing a title role for a national/international opera company
-Visit/climb some portion of the Himalayas
-Hike the entirety of the Pacific Crest trail
-Hike the entirety of Lassen Volcanic Park
-Visit the Piltvice Lakes of Croatia
-Read The Divine Comedy, The Inferno, and the Purgatorio in Italian and English
-Read Faust in German and English
-Read The Canterbury Tales
-Be responsible for a scientific discovery
-Master at least ONE language instead of stumbling around in six different ones
-Find Bigfoot if he's actually a thing that exists
-voice a cartoon
-sing for a video game soundtrack
-sing as a guest for a metal band(a good one)
-tour with a metal band
-make a trip into outer space
-live outside of the US for at least one year
-be considered someone's mentor
-take an ayahuasca journey or otherwise achieve a dimethyl-tryptamine-induced state
-Go spelunking at least twice
-Find the gumption to dive Blue Hole in Belize
-Sail across an entire ocean
-Witness a volcanic explosion
-Walk from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean, or vice versa
-Make a scuba trip to The Great Reef
-Make a submarine ocean expedition
-Hike the Rocky Mountains
-Hike all the mountains ever
-Live with entirely "sustainable" technology

That's all for now, though I'm certain there's more to come later....yet it is quite a mental breath of fresh air.

On another note, I still have the issue of caring too much about what others think, especially those I consider close to me. It's an incredible drain which does nothing except to cause me worry and to waste my time and energy. I feel like I'm spending my life to wait for someone to get up and begin their life before I can do whatever I'm going to do. I should be pushing myself, no one else. If I'm bored, I shouldn't expect others to entertain me. I should be doing something for me.

I'm also at an awkward point where I'm finishing a degree in something which I feel no longer applies to me as much as it used to. If I can buckle down though, I'll at least have a Bachelors, even if I have to go back for another one. A degree is a degree, and may at least help me get office work or an expected wage if I'm hired within that field.

My life is itchy at the moment. Uncomfortable at best; I'm hurrying up to wait. I don't know what to prioritize. I need a car before I can move my life anywhere in my own direction, but I think that goal is a bit closer to reality. I'm still in awful dental health; do I try to time getting my damaged teeth removed so that I know I'll have money for new ones? That will take a long time. Or do I get them removed ASAP for my health's sake, and hope I can pony up money for new teeth before the bone structure in my mouth moves too much? I'm in awful debt otherwise. I wish I didn't need to do so much this year as well, or I'd be able to better prepare for when I need to be responsible for all of my income.

I'm still in dire emotional straits. I don't even like thinking about that one. It would certainly be easier if I weren't possessive or jealous of other people's traits or more open to sharing myself regardless of criticism or secure in myself(which may be the root of all of it).

Someday I'd like this blog to be about something more interesting than the ways I feel about stuff. You know...things people take interest in. Like the things on my list.

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