I'm a little frightened. I suppose it's still acceptable for me to be in a state of emotional upset from time to time, but I've been rather on edge lately. Thankfully the past couple of days have been fairly mild, but I'm scared of another attack. I don't have them often, thankfully, but I do know that the more often panic attacks come about, the easier is it to experience another. The last time I was in such a state was probably during the time I was taking MIDI, and I was so sure I was going to fail. My fears escalated to the point where I had two attacks and had to leave for the restroom during the class, and then I had two more later that afternoon. I've had others too, though I was too young to recognize what they were at the time. I thought I was done going into perturbing emotional states when I had  left Redding.

Panic attacks are terrifying whether or not you've experienced them before. It's similar to a tsunami. There's an upwelling of emotion just as if you were normally upset. Then it partly subsides as if you were calming down. I'm not sure which kinds of thoughts trigger mine, but that's typically the point where things turn. There's a sense of anticipation, but less like the kind where you're expecting a present and more like the sensation of waiting to hit the water after veering off a bridge. After that is a total loss of emotional control. I would say it's relieving, except you're too terrified that you won't regain control again. You're wallowing in your own despair and confusion, unleashed upon the material world.

I'm not attempting to romanticize this. It's a real concern, one that I hope will not visit me too often. I've experienced enough emptiness in my life to never want to feel it again. I was miserable as a teenager, self-loathing to the point of being slightly disturbed. Some of that followed me into college at Shasta. Having reflected upon it recently, I would not hesitate to say I had some sort of imbalance. Thankfully I have not yet regressed to that level, nor do I want to. But I can't say I haven't been suffering some sort of depressive symptoms for several years. I would never allow myself to be diagnosed with depression unless it was truly chemical depression. Is it possible that I've been suffering from it for so long that I mistook it as a character trait? Still, when out of curiosity you take the common diagnosis evaluation for depression and where severe depression is a 54 and above, and you score a 63, perhaps it warrants at least speaking to a doctor. I always wonder about those evaluations, what the probability is of tailoring your results. I don't know. But I have a decision to make.

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