Note: this post contains a moniker to so I can speak in regard to someone I don't know terribly well without upsetting them(not that it's likely they'd see this).

I had a dream(surprise) regarding me and a girl I've met before. Let's call her Banana Split. I had a dream that she was on her way somewhere, and she had to stop at my place for the night. It was just me there, but I also didn't have a couch, so I just let her sleep on some blankets on the floor. She thanked me and went to sleep.

Banana Split ended up not waking up until late the next afternoon. I asked her when she had to be wherever she needed to be; I was a little concerned she had overslept. She said "no time in particular", and then invited me to come with her. I asked her where, but Split just told me it would take no time, and that we'd be safe. That was enough for me.

We drove, and since it was a dream and driving is usually an unmemorable event unless you add something to it, it was indeed no time until we were there. It was a park, a state forest park of sorts, and it was made mostly of gnarly short oak trees. The black branches wound themselves around and back toward their trunks, creating tunnels and staircases up and down. Banana Split led me into a meadow of sorts with a picnic table and some of her acquaintances, along with some of Sam's friends/acquaintances. It was an adventuring party of some sort. We climbed in, around, over and under trees, drank, had a bonfire in the meadow, drank some more, and climbed to the top and spoke with each other for hours.

I understand that dreams can mean absolutely nothing, but they can also send us valuable messages. That dream wasn't anything spectacular: in fact, it was a rather pleasant dream. But the way I felt when I woke up was another story. It left me very lonely. Obviously I don't take it quite so literally. Though I think Banana Split would make quite a good friend, I would say the probability of that happening in this reality is close to nil. But I think part of the issue is that I have no close female friends. I mostly don't enjoy being around women. I often can't hold a serious conversation around them, or they can't talk about something that doesn't revolve around romance or children, or anything remotely in the "weird" category is too much to handle, or even worse, they try to use it as some kind of label. "Oh, I've played D&D and I read Edgar Allen Poe. Aren't I just so WEIRD/GEEKY/NERDY?" I. Don't. Care. I don't care. It's cool I guess, when it's brought up casually in discussion or something, but those who try too hard often don't succeed.

That being said, there are plenty of times I haven't been able to relate to someone, or I just feel like I'm supposed to say something. It usually ends in me saying something retarded and everyone thinking a little less of me. I was pretty ostracized growing up so you'd think I'd enjoy being alone a little more. I still enjoy being alone actually, when it suits me. But I still don't enjoy being lonely.

Thinking back to the dream, why her? What does Split represent? I think in this case, just many of the qualities I want in a friend which are lacking in many of my other "friends". Sam has a lot of the same qualities, but I think knowing me in the duration that he has gives him a certain bias that he may not be able to overcome, as objective as he claims to be. I often wonder how much she actually knows about me. It also leaves me asking the question: Of which person am I actually jealous?

Sometimes it feels as though I don't actually "keep" friends. I just sort of blow in and out of their lives. A great portion of them I have no special love for. That's fine, fair-weather friends are not a crime. But it's as though I'm lacking any sort of deep connection with any one person. I'm more solitary than I realized, and I'm not sure if that harms or helps my current situation. Even if I were  just reading too much into a dream, the rest of the issue remains.

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