Today is an off day. I don't feel horrible, but I definitely feel lonely. He's here, but not here for me. I have to get used to that. And yet how dare I say that? He still does so much for me, and if he doesn't proclaim his love for me as he does it, I think it doesn't matter? Bullshit! He could get a place anywhere, but he wanted to help me. He wants to be around someone he can trust. And it's not like he moved in and ignored me. He cares. And yet I'm still upset that I can't get a proclamation that my brain and vagina are valued above all other brains and vaginas.
And now I'm more upset at myself than I wanted to be. Why do I treat myself like such shit?
How can I possibly think that someone else can love me unless I stop the self-loathing?
...or do I really deserve the care and concern of anyone?
And yet even when I shower(ed) affection on him, it was never about me being worthless before him. I just really want him to succeed, in all things. Everyone should have some sort of support network. In terms of money, he has his family of course, but in terms of presence there aren't a lot of everyday faces. I'm not all-sacrificing. Though I have always been the sort of person to try and go the extra mile for those I really care about.
God, I really need a fucking shower.