Well blogspot, you win this round. I was patient enough to wait and just make sure you weren't being a total fuckup.

I'm already surfeited by these long-ass and extra opera rehearsals. If I were being paid it wouldn't bug me, but as it is I'm giving away some work hours when I really need the money. I don't even like this opera but I'm a fucking professional and I'm going to do my best job no matter what, and I also really want to see the opera production to be in an actual theatre, which is what I wanted from the beginning when I came to this school. I'd sing Gilbert and Sullivan if it got us under a proper proscenium arch.

Anyway I'm just stressed and tired and barely focusing on actual courses I've been taking because I'm worried about how I'm going to get money to pay June's rent and all the other bills and I've been trying not to give in to a few of my vices because I've been trying to take care of my voice for a competition that could win me some money to at least stay out of the hole. However I feel like I have very few ways to mitigate the stress. Nothing particularly bad has happened aside from my little "scare", I'm just busy and I think maybe that gets to me a little more than the average person. But today in particular I just wanted to cry and drink and smoke and eat a shit ton of chocolate and skip rehearsal tomorrow and tell everyone else to eat shit and die.

So, I really just took a moment for myself. I stopped thinking about what I ought and ought not to do; or about what a horrible person I think I am or what I need to do to improve myself. I let myself give in to those little vices. I left my phone inside, poured myself a vodka tonic, went outside, drank, listened to the sound that gave my kreteks their name, looked at my surroundings as always and tried not to think about anything in particular. And you know, I didn't have any sudden revelation. I didn't feel any less depressed, or suddenly come up with a solution to fix a worldwide issue. But I did do what I had wanted to do, and that was to relax. I also realized how the top of one of the trees in my complex looks line a swirled tip of a soft-serve cone. I wanted to stay out there all night and smoke, but my sense of responsibility towards my singing voice did pop in and tell me to take it easy.

All those days I had maybe several hours to spend, and yet I couldn't get myself to settle down and play a single game either because I wasn't in the mood, or because I was so stressed about what I should be doing that I couldn't settle down even though I knew I wouldn't be doing any work. My innate sense of guilt keeps me on the edge of my seat, and so I waste valuable hours of possible self-fulfillment and discovery noodling on fucking facebook because I don't want to commit to any sort of time for a hobby or project. Which is partly why I'm enjoying the finger knitting .

I'm drunk and I need a burrito. That's it for tonight. I have a wacky dream to recount but I can save that for later. <3>

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