I'm quite tired already, but I can't quite sleep yet. I've been doing not much of anything for the past hour. I feel like I don't have the mental energy to use on games, or else none of them sound appealing, but yet I sit here doing nothing. I'm upset, and I can feel the waves and they come, and yet my eyes remain dry. It's almost worse than a breakdown. There seems to be an imaginary dam somewhere in my brain.
I actually found myself incredibly angry at Sam the other day. Irrationally so. When I was panicked because I was late and trying to find his car, I just imagined what his reaction might be like I always do. I felt if at that moment I were faced with him and the imagined reaction, I would have screeched at him. So often it just seems I can't go a single day without upsetting him. There is no pleasing him sometimes. It's not as bad as before we broke up, some days are fine, but other days it feels like he is belittling me. I'm just doing my best and trying to take care of my shit. I don't have time for his expectations. I've been so angry and upset. I don't even think he really deserves this kind of wrath. I don't understand why I'm so pissed.