I went to my first therapy appointment yesterday. Since it was the first meeting, I was mostly asked a lot of questions in a clinical manner, asking me whether I experienced certain symptoms, as well as being asked to identify the symptoms I associated as being abnormal, as well as their frequency, intensity, context, whether there were certain triggers, etc.
It's a tad early to confirm, but the therapist was already fairly convinced that I may have dysthymia at the very least, and quite possibly major depressive disorder. Both sound rather apt of my state. I just never want to be that person who looks for a medical reason to excuse their behavior. It seems as though I've had it for a while though, at least since I was 13 or 14. I'm a little upset I didn't get the right kind of help sooner. I guess all the "grief counseling" I've had in my adolescence wasn't what I needed after all. I'm hoping that this limited amount of therapy will give me better ways to cope; I'm open to medication if therapy isn't enough, but I'm aware that it can be a lengthy and unpleasant process.
As far as the Sam situation is concerned, I just have to deal with loving him without caring about how his actions affect my life, and vice versa, because they shouldn't. This also means not caring about an unknown future date that we might reconnect. If it ever happens, it will be because he enjoys the person I've become, not because I made myself into the person I predicted that he may want. I've known this for a while already, but I still had a barrier in my head that kept me from really accepting this as a reality. I think that my weird mental break on Saturday(I think it was Saturday) really broke down that wall and pushed me into a more open state. It's still going to be difficult, I can tell. I chose the harder path to take by living with him. And yet I wouldn't have it any other way. He is quite possibly the most valuable friend I have ever had, and one of the more valuable people in my life in general. In that way, I'll probably never stop thinking highly of him. That being said, I will generally try to weigh his words more equally to the other dear ones in my life, as opposed to just going along with what he says(though he's often in the right).
For now, I just want to see what's it's like to be me again. Perhaps I'll even find some sense of contentment.