It is so difficult to watch myself sing. Why do I even make other people sit through it? All I see and hear are when I'm not matching the intensity of my facial expression to the text(even when it feels like I'm really trying hard),or comically changing vowel shape in the middle of a long note, or my support is not correct and I'm flat/reedy/have unstable vibrato/strained, and it just makes me GAAHEFDRRERGIDHVODVHOFVIUHRvisdofvhslidfuvhweolirufhvp;aeidikxcfjruv ,ndcfrju.


I hear all the time how good I supposedly am, and maybe I'm not doing as badly as I think. But I don't see that as any guarantee of success. I'm finding it hard to have a competitive spirit when I don't honestly think I deserve it, like I'm just pretending that I can sing. Bigger, richer voices generally have more troubles in their formative years, according to my teacher. But I'm not even really sure my voice counts as bigger. Bigger than whose? The five foot nothing coloratura? I guess. I mean, according to the video it seems like I had a healthy sound in the hall, but that's all I can say. Maybe I'm still bitter over never really getting the heyday I wanted while at this school. And I feel like now  I'll be stepping naked into the "real" world.

I've been considering what sort of life I want to live in the future, likely apart from my training, or any remaining schooling. The motivating factors for me are: love for what I do, economic stability, freedom to shift schedule and location, and opportunities for creative/personal growth.

The first seems to be a given. I know that if I tried to do something I couldn't enjoy, I would just fucking kill myself. Though I know I'll have to do mundane jobs in the future, I can live with it if there's a finite amount of time I have to do it to do whatever it is I enjoy, or that I will have opportunities to do what I enjoy alongside my mundane job. The fear of course is working college-oriented jobs for the rest of my life.

Creative and personal opportunities are just that. As in, my career will either give me opportunities to do more abstract thinking and problem-solving, or give me the time in which I can cultivate and accrue more skills of my own. I have that time now, but it seems poorly directed.

Those two may exist mutually in the career I choose; there are multiple choices within those criteria. However, trying to fit in both economic stability and personal freedom together may prove to be an issue. It is true that economic stability will give rise to a more flexible personal life. That also requires patience, which I hope to have more of in a couple of years. I know for a fact that I no longer will tolerate poverty, so I will have to figure out what is "enough" for me, in the words of Michael Morgan. However, in most cases, it seems that "enough" for me is a bit more than even rather successful musicians make, and they break their back for it.  I don't want to be at the beckon call of every rehearsal director, nor do I think I can sustain an every day 9-5 position. If there's nothing that seems to suit the lifestyle I desire, then perhaps I'd better get creative. I'm bad at compromising quality, though its difficult to call that a negative quality.

No comments:

Post a Comment