Prose Poetry ftw

In the languorous curves of a liquid universe, Nyx thrives in the sleep of a primordial darkness, shimmering under a starry blanket of hair that spreads out in smooth tendrils. The space takes a variety of landscapes from her hair. The gossamer of music gently awakens her form, yet quickly stirs her soul, causing the thick viscous space about her to churn and twinkle with vibrant quality. From this, light is brought forth, yet the nature of the surrounding nothingness is neither less prominent, nor is it altered. It is a substance found in massive quantities, yet completely insubstantial in and of itself.

It's Been a While...

The earth rotates ever so slowly, again and again I feel the sting and warmth of the summer sun; let the breeze and silver of night caress me. Amazing how the simplest of things can both ease pain and intensify it simultaneously, until you're left back at square one. The tethers I've created around me may help throughout my life, but they also prevent me from keeping a relationship. I still love you, but I have at least locked you away for now, where even I cannot bother you. I still don't quite understand why you are that precious to me. I would like to call you my twin flame, if that's not being too arrogant. However, if that is truth, then I must be confident that we will one day meet again, under better circumstances. However, my mission for now must be to stick to the material plane.

The Poem

Don't stop to listen
just keep walking by
photographs and memories
keep the dead nearby

Like telemarketers and bills
she just can't leave him alone
she thinks of life beyond those hills,
beyond those hills, far from her home.

Somewhere east he seeks a new life,
Somehow wading west,
she knows it isn't for her sake,
but knows it's for the best.

His body pounds through the ether,
she knows he's still trying,
she can't help, but holds a silent vigil
sitting, but not prying.

How long can this happen,
this tenuous spiritual pressure she feels?
Sporadic and dangerous still is the love,
afraid of the damage she can deal.

Stay near, my heart, I cannot hold thee now. It is only for another I can live, I vow.
How can she repair it?
How can she repair it?

Energized :D

More than I have been in a great while. Summer had put my mind and spirit in a haze. But now I am back, and utilizing tools the way they ought to be. I must remember to use my past experiences to keep me from making the same mistakes, and use my emotions to fuel my power instead of dragging me down. I must be in control, lest I be taken advantage of. There are times often when I am not willing to be strong, but I must remain in control of myself. I will be a spirit warrior, when the time comes. I must stop doubting so much. I know there are more than just the few of us now. Unity is imperative, as is spiritual growth. Only time and practice will tell, but I must focus now. I will always love you, but I have a lifelong mission to complete, and I am far behind.

Frustration with a capital Fuck!!!

It has to end soon, it has to. This is one of those moments where I feel like falling to my knees and taking the earth within my grasp, only to shake it violently and scream into it,"What's wrong with me?!?!" And no one will have an answer, not even the spirits. Of course, I won't do that; I refuse to go down so quickly. I can be fine in one moment, but the instant a stream of his consciousness comes into mind, I'm holding back tears in public because of the guilt it seems I'm paying for everyday, not to mention feeling ungrateful that Ben is trying to stick with it all the way because he can't let go of me for how he feels either, and also frustration with him that he keeps trying and it just seems like I'm falling deeper into debt. I never thought I would view love as a debt to pay. Yet I feel obligated to do something, but the price he's asking is something I'll never be able to pay. One string from another world still bonds me from the rest of mine.

Disquieting Silence.

Quiet. The spirit is quiet; I'm too tired to fight for now. The hurt is not yet gone, but is subdued for now, until I can think of a better "plan". Yesterday I could not cry, so the rain did it for me. I stood outside in the dark and the rain, letting the rich, hot, and damp clay aroma waft up to me while my eyes looked up and let rain drops fall directly into them. It didn't even hurt. I even giggled. I need to smile more, but I can't act a smile anymore. I stopped caring. I need a way to become truly happy. I'm starting to look older because I can't lift the weight of my own face.

A wave, and then
Another.
A sharp desire,
A drifting
Longing.
A white Sensation,
leaves him weak.
Warmth.
Return soon.
Survival is not
A
Guarantee.
But,
Passion is
Passion is
Torture.
A Touch.
Is all I
Ask.
Still
Selfish.
Am I?
I'm Lost.

Losing...

The mind is more absorbed every day. It frustrates me to be able to think of nothing more than him, like an unhealthy obsession. I'd be almost positive it is one by this point, if it weren't for the entire purpose of this. And I'm not violent or overzealous enough to fit the part. I just feel plagued by what feels like unfinished business. I know that if I don't hear anything from him by a certain point in time, I can continue planning the trip, but that somehow does nothing to calm my spirit. I'd rather hear anything from him, even a sharp rebuke, instead of trying to plan for something entirely tumultuous and uncertain. A couple of dreams ago I saw him again, laying by my side as what often pops into my dreams before I awaken. But instead of the normal, painful imagined intimacy, he was whispering, consolingly but still somewhat urgently into my ear. I could not make out what he was trying to say, as if it were too quiet and I too far away, or perhaps in another tongue I could not comprehend. I'm not sure exactly what the dream means, if anything. I feel like curling up into a ball and quitting. I quit too easily, and I set myself up for failure often. Let us hope I hear something soon.

Just a Letter

Just one message can bring down the "world" you have set up around you. I still don't know if it was a good idea to send it. I'm waiting to see now if there will be a return message that either tears down moe of my world, or builds it up. I feel like I'm getting close to ground zero. Perhaps I really don't deserve forgiveness. Maybe I deserve to have our worlds separated forever. It's painful, it's painful. It's painful.

Losing it...

My patience is failing me. I'm not sure how long I can take the stress until it starts affecting my body. It already does, to a lesser extent. It's difficult to remain optimistic. It's not negative energy, it's just turmoil. It feels like only a matter of time before I finally just walk out the door, all the way to Georgia. Everything in me is too restless here. I'm trying to respect his wishes, I am. This sucks!! I can't wait until summer. Then I can see what I really want to do.

Good News

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Wonderment

Yeah, I finally exploded again today. It's okay, I wanted to be sure I had someone there to make me recover. I don't like doing that when I'm alone, it makes me feel worse sometimes. I found a song that kinda sums up how I feel. By the Smashing Pumpkins, yay!! ^-^

Stand Inside Your Love

You and me
Meant to be
Immutable
Impossible
It's destiny
Pure lunacy
Incalculable
Insufferable
But for the last time
You're everything that I want and ask for
You're all that I'd dreamed
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love
Protected and the lover of
A pure soul and beautiful you
Don't understand
Don't feel me now
I will breathe
For the both of us
Travel the world
Traverse the skies
Your home is here
Within my heart
And for the first time
I feel as though I am reborn
In my mind
Recast as child and mystic sage
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love
And for the first time
I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for
Your every move and waking sound
In my time
I'll wrap my wire around your heart and your mind
You're mine forever now
Who wouldn't be the one you love and live for
Who wouldn't stand inside your love and die for
Who wouldn't be the one you love

Planes

Had a dream last night. I was sitting in the cafeteria, and my friend Brent and I were getting fragments of a vision, so we decided to try and channel through each other to get a clearer picture. As soon as we grabbed hands, we began receiving a message from a being from another plane of existence. His name was either Ciera or Ceria. He then showed us the plane on which he lived, and why he had been trying to contact Brent. It was an odd dream, definitely.

Torture

I fucking hate this. The feeling I get whenever I think I'm making progress. I've been trying to suppress an attack all evening. I always lull myself into a false sense of security, and then my skin becomes transparent again. I know its better to solve a problem rather than cover it, but there's nothing I can solve right now!! There's no change in how I feel about him, not in the six months it's been since I heard from him directly. Yeah, I explode less, and that's good, but every time I do I feel as if I'm coming closer to a breaking point. Much like my soul is being pulled different ways so as to tear it to pieces. Too dramatic? That's the only way I can really explain the feeling. I can't think about him without feeling some type of pain, physical or otherwise. Fucking frustrating!!! Nothing helps, I've tried moving on, and any time I step foot into a relationship, I feel guilty for not keeping this horrible vigil, and that I may just be setting myself up for failure, and I'm correct. I have to stay distant from my romantic interests now to keep from hurting them because of my condition. Because in reality, they're only band-aids, poor diluted substitutes of the heroin-love I so desperately need. WHO IS THIS PERSON TO ME?!?! I can't possibly continue to feel this way for some other schmo I dated, I know. I feel so heavy, molded from lead. What can I do? I'm lost again...just want to be calm again.

Depressed, Regressed, and Stressed

Another dream. I was traveling with my family when all of a sudden this huge storm showed up in the distance, and we had to stop somewhere and cancel the rest of our trip. Turns out it was a shadow-storm, so me and my friend Xander were the only people who could possibly enter the storm, find the source, and destroy it. I don't remember much of actually walking through it though, only that we entered it. I figured out fluorite is good for amplifying certain images in dreams, especially if they are prophetic in nature. And getting rid of anxieties while sleeping. I don't think I've slept that long in a while. I feel so tired all the time, and my self-confidence is nearly zilch. I keep seeing an image of a person I'm supposed to meet, a very important person, and I've yet to see a shred of evidence that she even exists. The crystal I bought is actually destined for her, and if I don't find her relatively soon, I'm even crazier than I thought. I'm also getting messages in a mish-mosh of languages I don't even understand, and yet I can pick out pieces of phrase from them. I think they're songs, that's what my mentors have figured at least. If I'm really a siren like they say, it would make sense. I'm trying not to doubt myself, but it's difficult when I don't have a well-developed spirit-sight to match my "talents". I'm also finally catching glimpses of my only past life. It was painful, I know for at least the last few years. She only lived to be 27, at the most. I should be a bit happier to find out these things, but right now I'm just...tired. The sphynx in me doesn't mind receiving messages in a cryptic way, but I don't have the patience to wait for things I can't grasp yet. Do I have to grow old?

Finally

New dream, because that's the first purpose of this thing anyways. I'm having headaches almost daily again, and not always from my jaw. Had an interesting dream that me and a couple of friends were visiting San Francisco(makes sense, I was there last Friday). Well, anyways, by the end of the day my equivalent of a step-brother was going to try committing suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. We were told to stay away from the situation, which they got under control. I then found myself in a hotel room after a time, when I got a call, which I didn't answer right away but let the machine get because there was no caller ID. When the machine started recording, I heard a voice I recognized but couldn't place who it was. I remember he was a little taunting and mocking, so I answered, a bit irritated at his words(that I can't remember). He continued to talk to me, obviously knowing I would pick up the phone. It was as if he was trying to warn me of something, or strike a deal with me, and I tried to deny him, but I was still intrigued.

Smashin' teh Face in...

Am I seriously losing it? I'm trying to forget, or at least dull the pain of remembering, no easy task. But lately when I think of him, which is still often, I see him in my mind, and then the moment become so lifelike that it feels as if he's standing in front of me. It catches me off guard.
I want to tear out my hair. It's frustrating to have memories to toy with me like that. I wonder if he feels the same way. More funny/strange dreams, but I'll iterate later.

Le Crap

My head is screaming at me. I think it's from my wisdom teeth finally coming in. I'm getting lockjaw every night from it. Rocky time again!! Woohoo. And I found my camera's battery charger so I can actually use it again!! My dreams just get stranger and stranger. I dreamt that Dirk invited me to visit him, but when I did, there were things about the visit that just weren't right. He was not an illusion, but things like his house, and his mother were. He seemed to know that they were illusions as well, but chose to play the part of ignorance. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it.

Down in a Hole

It's much more shallow, to be sure. I'm not so deep in it that I can't get out, but I'd like to sit there a little longer. It's more like the memory. Part of me never wants to lose what was felt there. I'm feeling reminiscent today, a little sad, not overbearingly so. It's a bittersweetness. By the by, coffee tastes good when cooled down by strawberry Yoohoo. Me and my friends are going to Rocky this weekend. I'm making Matt dress up. Muahahaha.

I also watched this awful B-flick last night called the Evil Bong. Don't ever watch it, it's horrible.

Spring Frolic :D

Today I sat in my spare time next to a pretty little pond and brook at the college. I was admiring the little pieces of fluff that floated dreamily from cattails in the pond. Upon further inspection of the pond, I found that there were actually several young koi fish in it. A friend was kind enough to get me one of the cattails from the pond, and I found that upon pinching off a small amount of a cattail and releasing it, I instantly felt a warm sensation on my hand as the pinch separated into thousands of fluffy seeds. I watched as they spread out exactly like the thousand-petaled lotus. I also kept believing I was viewing rainbows in the sky where there was nothing at all, which is just odd. I'm not high, I swear. Today was an interesting day.
Though, it's a little easier to enjoy nature since my rose-tinted glasses have cracked. I understand now that my opinion does not have to fall in line with anyone else's, and that if I'm unsure about something, I do not have to take a position. Nor do I have to display an opinion at all. I will be frank. I don't care about politics. I don't care about the earth's problems. It sounds callous, but people of the earth will always create and solve their own problems. I only care about what affects me, and even then I may not deem it important to myself. Why should I bother with something that is none of my business? I don't like to be responsible in government, even if it just means performing civil duties. I don't like government, but unfortunately its the only way most people can get along. I'm finding more and more that I'm not fond of people. Period. Save the few who can understand what I feel. But I think I'm going to have to spend more time around people, so I'll keep going. I'll always keep going, but I'll never forget him.

Night

Night. Night.
The sky's darkness reigns.
All of them will leave to sleep,
to dream of the night.
Where does the real world end,
to enter the realm of night?
Tiny piercings light the sky,
tiny piercings light the infinite.
An orb calmly illuminates the ground,
blurring the line between light and dark.
Alive is the mind of the blue-black sky.
Alive are the pieces in it.
The soul shines the brightest in moonlight,
and even the darkest of Night.